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– And then the killer’s
in a Cheesecake Factory, because cholesterol is the real killer. Is that funny? – I don’t know. Honestly, all these horror
sketches are kind of the same. – Yeah, I’m gonna take off. I got a 10 PM orgy to get to. I will see you losers later. (electricity crackling) (distant, maniacal laughter) (ding) (ominous music) – Whoa. – Hello? Everybody left, right? – Yeah, hours ago. (doors slamming) (electricity surging) (distant, maniacal laughter) (everyone screaming) – Hello, Grant! Time to die! – Thank God! I thought you were a guy
I dated and then ghosted, or someone I owed money to. And then dated and ghosted. – Ah! – Hold on, I’m much worse
than any of those things! I am your living nightmare, CollegeHumor! – But you represent something, right? Like Grant’s promiscuity? Or his Peter Pan complex? – I am your darkest–
(eerie music) – Oh, oh, oh, are you the manifestation of the scrotal rabies that
I’ve been recklessly spreading around West Hollywood? – Oh, that’s gotta be it! – No, ew, that’s disgusting. – Makes me cum foam. – Why would you tell me that? When I’m here to kill you! (booming voice) All of you! Aren’t you afraid of me? (wicked laughing) – Hmm… (sucks air through teeth) – [Everyone] No. – I used to be afraid of scary movies. – Yean, then we watched and
deconstructed so many of them, the killers aren’t scary once you realize they’re
just manifestations of abstract concepts
like grief, or racism, or post-9/11 American imperialism. – And I ain’t afraid of no metaphors. – (laughs) That’s for sure! – Shut up! (demonic voice) Shut up, all of you! I am not a metaphor! (gasps) – Ah! (chokes) – [Everyone] Grant! (evil laughter) (choking) – He is too addicted to technology. – You know, he always said
it would be the death of him, and look, casual saying made real. – (choking) Oh, oh! Oh! Oh, oh? – What? – (choking) Oh?
– What? – (choking) Get me with the phone! – Oh yeah, you should
smash him with his phone, that’s what he’s really
addicted to! (laughs) – [Mike] Ooh, he’s
killed by the very thing that he loved so much. – I don’t need your help killing you! (scary music) (Grant gasps) (gasps) (sound of spattering blood) (body thuds) Now do you see how serious I am? (electricity crackling) – Kind of a mixed metaphor, right? – Yeah. – I am stumped. – Oh, maybe it’s about
digital versus analog, like technology has actually hindered us, and sometimes it’s as easy as
a knife slash to the throat. (electricity surging) – Shut up, or I’ll make you shut up! (screaming) (slicing) (gasps) – You know, it’s a little on the nose for silencing women in an
environment of toxic masculinity. – (muffled) Especially as an Asian woman, intersectionality offers secondary levels of interpretation the
creator didn’t even intend. – I didn’t intend any of that! – That’s a little cliche. – Yeah, what’s next, making me OD on drugs as punishment for turning
a serious addiction into a running punch line? (laughs) – Um, no. – Look, if you’re gonna kill us, at least make it about
something that matters, like how workers in the gig
economy need to collectivize. – Have him get run over by an Uber driver. – Ooh, that’s good! Or maybe like attacked by
a pack of dog walking dogs? – Ooh, ooh, ooh– – What if– – I’ve got a good one. Make him write social
media marketing posts– – Oh! – In exchange for exposure, not payment– – Aah! (blood splattering) (body thuds) Oh. Hm. – Huh. Do you still want us to
run you over with an Uber? – Yeah!

100 thoughts on “Why Scary Movies Aren’t Actually Scary

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  2. The economic insecurity endemic under late capitalism is far scarier than any monster or killer in a secured film environment. We are not scared, because the violent death represented in these films is quick and confronting – almost to the point of comedic exaggeration. Whereas, the slow and more abstract death of the working-classes under neoliberalism is all the more horrifying, because of it is both accepted and normalised – we know it’s coming, and yet we cannot change our material realities. In this essay, I will….

  3. The irony is that the scary guy did die for a fitting thematic reason — he committed suicide after being overwhelmed by everyone's literarily analysis of him. Analysis literally kills the fear of the movie.

  4. I don't even think you have to deconstruct a horror movie for it to not be scary. It's all about what freaks you out. Tusk is a scary movie to me because the unrelenting horror of a human being you can't reason with and has the upper hand stripping away your humanity is scarier than any supernatural horror.

  5. The only scary thing in movies is the background music.
    Mute the sound and watch a horror movie, it will be so funny.

  6. really the rotting corpse of Alfred E. Neuman? I get it, College Humor's greatest fear is that they will become so stale and out of date like that of Mad Magazine and culturally meaningless as MadTV, what was plan B? Having Raph dressed up as a zombified Homey D. Clown from In Livin' Colour?

  7. Being immortal unable to move and ignored by the world around you aware of everything. Decades in any mental institute in america. Being able to hear every thought around you for a mile and having to live in a very densely populated place. being ostracized all your life. All terrible horrors of which most Hollywood movies pale in comparison to.

  8. These days I see almost no ads when I see college humor is Youtube discriminating against CH? I do see ads for other channels

  9. How about being afraid you're gonna shart while stuck in traffic heading to a job interview? Now, that's some scary shit!

  10. Wait wait wait. So say a torture horror movie say sowing an asian woman's mouth shut so she can't scream for help while being tortured can somehow be Interpreted as a metaphor?

  11. Soooo…. most horror movies aren't scary because many times they are predictable, not the sjw bullshit reason they are giving

  12. I disagree although I get your point. So with my Kid I’ll try to surprise them by saying it’s a Drama. I’ll ask my Wife first, to Check if this ok.

  13. "Movies aren't scary because us supposedly not racist whites never tricked black people into liking racists." Why scary movies aren't actually scary? Because you're all grown up now. They're not meant to scare you forever. GROW UP!

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