Howdy! Let’s look at some… religious animation Jesus: “And no one else shall you serve… No one!” Specifically, let’s look at the laziest most ludicrous, jumbled junk piles that kids have ever had to roll their eyes through. Whether it be.. religious Lego movies or just abysmal Video Brinquedo style animation. Creepy Kid: I’m always ready to go, to Bibletown! I pity the kids who had to put up with these catastrophes growing up. So let’s check out the Top 6 Worst Religious Animated Movies! And while I’m personally not a religious person I do understand that these movies might mean a lot more to you than they do to me. Keep in mind, it’s just my silly personal opinion. And hopefully we can all just have some fun with some lousy animation. Anyway, on to the countdown! *vague pirate accent* Well, blow the man down me hearties! It’s a Moses movie! Because we’ve never seen that before! Moses: God has commanded it. Let my people go Seriously, why would you even bother trying to make another Moses movie after DreamWorks’ Prince of Egypt in 1998? You should’ve just stacked up your Bibles and trudged back to Sunday school after seeing that thing was even made! Well, let’s pull out a good old ‘Animated Movie Abomination’ checklist. Do we have creepy cheap 2000s animation models with no apparent personality and effort whatsoever? Yeah, that’s a check alright. Oooh! They’re even kind of horrifying when you see them up close. That’s a double check. Do we have a tedious, barely comprehensible story with the richness of a stale slab of rye? Yep.. that’s a check. Do we have hammy, overzealous voice acting worthy of a golden ham award? This Guy: *hammily* I kill anyone who mocks Pharaoh’s law! Oh, wonderful… I’m dreading the sermon already! But what can we learn from this Ten Commandments movie? Thou shalt not cast Christian Slater as Moses. Moses: We wouldn’t want you to have a stomachache, now would we? He plays our hero Moses with a humdrum enough performance to make you question how he ever worked outside a bus terminal. He sounds like a nasally version of Bing Bong from “Inside Out”. Bing Bong: Diversion! (throws a literal memory!) Bing Bong: I look like alot of people.. Fortunately, he did later find a more suitable role in Milo Murphy’s Law. And er… Jesus in the Passion Lego movie… You’ve heard the story before! But for the two people that haven’t, our hero is Moses and he grows up with Pharaoh. Pharaoh’s a big jerk to his people. So, the big guy himself goes on a genocidal rampage to teach him a lesson. He sends them locusts, frogs, darkness, boils, rain. (True story) It’s just.. just a bloody mess. The slaves and Moses are off across the desert, but Pharaoh says, “NAAAH!” and his army ends up getting dumped in the ocean by the big guy. Then we watch Moses get frustrated at his people because *gasps* they need to eat and drink over years in a desert! How dare they! And on the subject of the big guy, Elliott Gould is hideously miscast as the big guy’s voice. It sounds more like God’s now Hal 9000 from a Space Odyssey. God: Hear now my words, my children… Hal: I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that. It probably would have been better to call it “Ugly Moses.” … Actually, it probably would have been better to incinerate this film, box up its remains, and dump it into the ocean. Moses: Don’t you realize He loves you? PhantomStrider: That’s why he’s about to brutally murder and incinerate you for doubting him after he made you walk starving and dehydrated for years through a desert. Yeah, that’s a kind God! Agh! *struck by lightning* You’re not gonna make this an easy list, are you? Oh, yes, my friends. This is a thing. Noah: (all hip-like) I’m gonna believe in the lord and all His power! And my world needed this. Our buddy, Noah, singing hip hop. Did you know Noah could sing? Noah was a hip-hop king, man. Oh, boy. This animation just really says it all, doesn’t it? We’re at.. jet lag level, toilet seat, Tentacolino animation here! To start with, the colors are just blaring over-saturated ugliness And where is all the flooding? I may not personally like the Bible stories, but the title “Noah’s Ark” promises me carnage! Vengeful deities flooding the world to slaughter their people. If you’re gonna force kids to hear these stories don’t you show them a bunch of dancing animals. At least tell them the full story of what the God you’re telling them to worship did. (Like straight-up murder children to prove a point) All I’m getting here is happy chappy animals belting out songs on how I need to believe in the gospel. And even on the occasions Noah does show up, it’s mostly to shake a jolly jig as the animals proclaim how they believe! This Noah’s Ark movie is so incompetent that it doesn’t even manage to accurately tell the story of Noah’s Ark. And believe it or not.. that title actually has more effort and creativity put into it than the movie itself. Imagine if Video Brinquedo somehow got even more lazy, then they got a religious agenda instead of just the agenda of scamming grandmothers. Creepiest Kid: Are you ready for our next adventure in Bibletown? Creepier Kid: I’m super ready. PhantomStrider: These aren’t… children we’re looking at. They’re.. creepy drones programmed purely to serve and worship their deity. I could do a 30-minute commentary on this first five minutes alone! “Children”: I was so excited to head the Bible town today. I couldn’t fall asleep last night! PhantomStrider: Really?!? Bibletown was that fascinating to you? This Monster: My mom warmed me up a glass of milk and read me a Bible story! THEN I could sleep! PhantomStrider: These children are just.. creepily dead inside. Abomination: Totally… *bizarre delivery* But then after ten minutes they just say “Screw it! who needs animation?” and then they just start showing us random Bible stills that don’t even suit what they’re saying half the time. Abomination: Totally… They don’t even try to lip-sync these guys! Monster: Isn’t it awesome? Creep: So, are you gonna tell me what we’re up to today? I can’t wait to hear all about it. Abomination: We’re going to Bibletown. Oh er.. Thanks, but I’m actually a secular humanist. (threateningly) Not anymore. You’re one of us now! Join us in Bibletown! And it just goes on like this for ninety minutes This isn’t even biblically accurate. Why are we showing Jebus during the first Adam and Eve stage? I haven’t fully bred the Bible since I was nine and even I know Jebus probably didn’t show up till 33 BC. And didn’t you know Jesus lived in a yellow submarine. (Jesus was a Beetles member!) I love how when we talk about slaying children, we’re using bright and colorful happy looking images with hearts all over the place In fact, the voice actually sounds kind of happy about murdering them. Kid: Take the young child to destroy him! *joyfully* And finally we get to the promised land! Creep: Check it out down there is that… Abonmination: Bibletown! And it’s it’s…it’s!! …. It’s a small farm… No, wait, now it’s a cat themed Candyland town? Bibletown, everyone! I could go on, but I think you’ve seen enough now to know that Bibletown is a creepy smeared mess of animation with no apparent efforts character or originality whatsoever. Creepiest thing: Totally… Oh gee- we’re really going this route, aren’t we? By 15 seconds into the trailer, I already loathe Judah with a fury of a thousand suns, and was hoping the pig was on its way to the deli counter Judah: My name is Judah and I can do anything! Roar… You may have also noticed the churning in your stomach just by looking at some of these faces. (LIKE THIS ONE!) What is this? Five NAY’S at Freddy’s? (bud dum, tssss) Ha ha! Ah.. *awkwardly recovers from bad pun* Seriously, though, Lynch would be proud his influence lives on in these second-rate animated religious films. Judah is one of those animals with boundless annoying energy. Purely happy and excited for he sake of being happy and excited, I guess. Creepy lamb: *happily carrying on* Freedoooom! The animals will feel like they’re pandering to the kids and it just feels like a sad grab for attention. So the story is Judah, the lamb, is trying not to get sacrificed.. since Jesus just got crucified a week ago and hasn’t pulled off his, uh, reappearing act yet. And everyone’s really into… sacrificing lambs around this time of year, I guess? The sad part is this is about the highest budget animated film the American faith-based market gets. I may not agree with the deities they worship, but that doesn’t mean I want their kids to get garbage like this. Whatever one person wrote in the description describes the movie as.. “a heartwarming account of the Easter story as seen through the eyes of a lovable pig, a faint-hearted horse, and an adorable lamb.” In reality, you’re looking at a set of characters so recycled and generic that they probably have environmentally friendly stickers stuck on their rears. But apparently people liked it… and apparently Jesus is their king of kings. So, you know who am I to judge? Young fellow: Traitor!! *RAAAAGH!* *imitating battle noises and sword fight* Young fellow: RUUUUUN!! JESUS! RUUUN!! *Jesus attempts to placate Peter* Yes, this exists. In fact, nine versions of Lego Jeebus exists! And believe it or not, this was my favorite version. Maybe I should be annoyed by this, but this is actually far more “entertaining” than Mel Gibson’s version! Look, the kid even got tiny details like Lego blood on the Lego sword. Young fellow: Are you a king? That’s what your own people and priest tell me you claim to be. Sure, it may be the dodgiest stop-motion I’ve ever reviewed but I still would much rather see this young man’s work become massively popular in theaters than the original Passion. Young fellow: *imitating whip noises and Jesus in pain* Jeebus… How can people call Spongebob a bad influence compared to this stuff? It may be silly, but damn this young man has put some heart into making this. This guy tells a story like it happened. No happy chappy holy music, no overly dramatic close-ups of Jesus crying out with overbearing choir music. Jeebus simply gets up has a terrible day, but then does his reappearing trick a couple of days later. Young fellow: *not particularly convincing but entertaining fighting noises* And before we check out number 1, I just wanted to do a quick honourable mention. Hell, yeah, finally! A story about Siddhartha. The Buddha is awesome! Sure, the animations plasticky and the English dub is pretty shoddy, but it’s actually a reasonably good retelling of the Buddha’s journey. It’s friendly, colorful, and gets its story across, and not filled with singsong hymns to try and force believing into the kids’ minds. It’s like they.. actually want the kids to decide for themselves! This one’s okay. It’s on YouTube and I’ve left a link in the description if you’re curious. Anyway, onto number ! (Pardon the audio being strange on mobiles devices here. Didn’t realise during editing. By mad – Strider ) God?: GOOOO to your people and tell them that theeeey should gooo with yoooou! Oooooooooh, boy. Dingo Pictures, the 2D equivalents of Video Brinquedo attempted a Bible movie. And this is by far the most disjointed story, the ugliest, choppiest animation, just the most broken movie on this list! So, we start the story off strong with a snake narrating. Snake: The march across the desert was very exhaussssssting. A snake narrating the religious tale… Because it’s not like the snakes ever done anything that might not make it a good storyteller for the Bible! Good job, Dingo. Good job! Lip-syncing is of course never considered. The mouth movement is just open and close randomly for maybe 5 frames. The voice acting is broken Engrish, barely ever makes sense. Pharaoh: What if it’s an Israelite child? Servant: Nonsense! But lo and behold, we do get to meet the big guy himself in this movie. God: *hammy performance* NOOOOO it is true! And God talks like a.. broken gramophone robot. God: Go to your brother! Your name is Mooooses! Moses: Oh dear… PhantomStrider: It actually kinda sounds like the big guy’s making fun of himself when he talks. It’s not even biblically accurate! I haven’t read the Bible since I was 9 and even I know that’s not a “Pasar” festival. There’s a Passover! And there’s tons of other story inconsistencies, too So, even its target audiences being insulted. It’s like Dingo Pictures made this to make fun of religion. Which is fine. I mean I’m doing that a bit myself. But their target audience is probably not going to appreciate being made fun of. In my opinion, Dingo’s “Prince of Egypt” is the worst religious animated movie that’s ever been released. God: Now go! God: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Moses: Oh dear… But with a few exceptions like these, I think most animation companies realize that teaching kids to be kind people should always come before religious incentives. For Example: As VeggieTales has matured over the years and their audience has grown to a larger amount of people, it realized it could do far more good in the world by teaching kids about being a good friend or just helping others when they’re in need. That’s it. That’s all you need to do. And it’s my hope anyway, that most religious groups will prioritize teaching kindness to others over making sure their kids believe the same things they do. Whatever you choose to believe, make sure it’s a belief that you personally chose and not chosen for you by someone else. Kid: Now we know! PhantomStrider: And knowing is half the battle!