Talking Stone Film

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Rick, why are you having my name filled in
on the letters of transit? Because you’re getting on that plane with
Victor where you belong. But what about us? We’ll always have Prague. You mean Paris. How do you know about Paris?? It’s where we met! Oh right! Paris, France. What’d I say – Prague? That’s weird. Never been. Rick! How long do you expect me to wait for you? Well… Until your contract expires. You know that’s not what I mean. You told me five minutes
– I’ve been lying in your bed wearing nothing but the Swastika earrings you gave me for
the past hour! You’ve been banging this barmaid behind
my back?? That’s not the only back he’s been banging
behind. Paris?? What are you doing here? I just caught the last plane from Prague. Something told me I couldn’t trust my husband
to love me and only me til death do us part. You’re married?? To a woman named Paris??? That’s right. He liked Paris so much he put a ring on it. On the wrong finger! He obviously didn’t like it that much. I’m dyslexic. Rick! Are you ever planning on seeing on your child? You have a kid??? There’s no proof that baby’s mine! Here’s lookin’ at me, a kid. Hey Rick! I thought you wanted me to play “Misty”
on your balls. You’re gay??? Baby, once you’ve had a black pianist, you
stay bent. Look, Ilsa… I’m no good at being noble… NO SHIT! …But I think this is the beginning of a
beautiful orgy. Fex, do you know why Schindler’s List won
Best Picture in ‘93? Great story, great script, great acting, great
direction, great cinematography, great music… NO, Fex! It’s because it was in black and white! Although the version I’ve seen had a glitch – one
of the background characters appeared red in a couple of scenes. Remind me not to get Steven Spielberg in to personally
supervise our blu-ray transfer. Yeah, I’ll make a note. So you want to turn the Void black and white now? Straight to business as always. I’ve told you to stop that. But yes. Along with the exemplary writing, directing
and social hyping, sucking the colour out of The Void will make it sure-fire Oscar-bait. Tell Ed to start looking for a black and white
camera. Wait – you want to reshoot everything we’ve
shot? No. I want the Void to come shrink-wrapped
with a black and white TV. Fex! We have to make those Academy voters weak
in the loins with lashings of greyscale! No, no, no, no, no- We don’t have to reshoot anything! I can just apply a black and white filter
to the existing footage. Apply a filter? Last time I applied a filter to my drinking
water, enough contaminants seeped through to cost me, and subsequently Wilton, a
kidney. Trust me – you won’t be able to tell the
difference. What- what, in all our 18 years together, gives
you the impression that I trust you? Tell you what. Why don’t you go back the compound and apply
your magic filter to the footage from yesterday’s shoot and then show it to me. If the results meet with my savagely hypercritical
standards, then we don’t have to reshoot the entire 18 years’ of footage. I’ll go do it right now. Remember, it isn’t Steven Spielberg you’re
trying to impress. It’s me. So up your game! Hey Fex, about yesterday’s shoot… Can’t talk! Hey Fex, glad you’re here… Can’t talk! But you just talked! I know those footfalls… Can’t talk except to say “can’t talk!” Can’t talk! Can’t talk! Best dream of my life. Now to do 18 seconds of work to save us from
18 years of hell. The memory card. It’s gone. The memory card. Gone. But my memory of the card? Clear as winter’s morning on the surface
of the moon. Fex! The zip on my dress is stuck. Can you help me? I’mmmmmmm coooooooomiiiiiingggg! Please hold for Mr. Buganski. Talk to me. Boss, it’s me. Listen, there’s been a slight hitch in the
plan. I’ll have to convert some other footage
for inspection. Why? What’s wrong with yesterday’s shoot? Well, the memory card appears to have been temporarily
misplaced. Now you listen here, you butterfingered flatfoot. I want that card permanently un-misplaced
or the next “hitch” you experience will be a noose around your neck, capish?! Don’t get your tweed in a tangle – I’ll
find the card. I just figured I could show you a different
scene, is all. How’s this for a scene? Seven of us, reshooting 18 years’ worth
of footage; all because you couldn’t hold on to an itsy-bitsy memory card. And be advised, I’ll have no option but to inform everybody who’s to blame. I’m on the case. Punk. I had to find that card, or my future was
as bleak as a Zambian buffet. There was no doubt in my mind, except that
associated with canned cheeseburgers. Someone on the team has stolen the card. But who? And why? And when, where, how, what, which and wherefore
art? This would be my toughest assignment yet,
with more suspects than a Mr. Universe contest caught dispensing syringes specifically designed
for injecting steroids into chest muscles. Gottcha! Is that a pistol in my neck or is your aim
just sloppy? I should have known it was you. I’ll bet there was something on that card
you didn’t want anyone to see. So you snuck in here after the shoot, stole
the card, erased the unfavourable material and are just now returning to the spot where you
found it, or should I say, stole it. You’re giving me far too much or far too
little credit, mistuh. I don’t know nothing about no stolen card. Then you wouldn’t object to an invasive
body cavity search. Well what other reason could there be for
objecting to having my privates pried open and eyed by a private eye? And why would I take your little card,
anyways? All the memory I need is right up here, in
Technicolor. I don’t know, sugar. Maybe you thought your acting wasn’t up
to snuff. And by snuff, I mean dying on camera. If we are ever to escape the Void, we must
look within ourselves, and… and… Oh, fiddlesticks! I can’t remember the line cos I’m a big
stupid, dumb-bum with too much hair! Buster, I never give a bad performance. I know I always leave you satisfied. Don’t play games with me, luscious. Why did you come here? See? All you had to do was ask. Truth is, Kacy was concerned about make-up continuity
and asked me to enquire on her behalf. It’s a crying shame that card’s gone missing, I was curious to see for myself if her fears were founded. Not as curious as Kacy, though… Maybe you should talk to her? A neat story, but I’d heard more reliable
testimony from Biblical serpents. I wouldn’t trust Lu to recite Little Bo
Peep without accusing someone of stealing the sheep. She’d never go on an errand for Kacy. That’d be like the Queen hobbling down to
the corner store to pick up a pack of smokes for Prince Harry. With one small difference. Kacy is clean; as clean as a whistle. Still… even the cleanest whistle can get
blown by a dirty mouth. How’s about a cupcake, a cookie and a cup
o’ caffeine with a dollop o’ cream? Save the cream for the handcuff burns, cupcake,
cos this is how the cookie crumbles. Randomly, as you’d expect. Breaking biscuits?? How could you use such ruthless interrogation
techniques on a frail woman? Could a frail woman lift a 64-gigabyte memory
card? I have no idea what you’re talking about! I’m a God-fearin’, child-rearin’, man-bystandin’
Christian housewife! But like all housewives, you got desperate. Desperate to conceal the fact that your make-up
was mucked up. You work left-to-right, but on Friday’s
shoot you didn’t finish, giving Lu the appearance of a duplicitous Batman villain. Gustaf was too far away to notice but the
second he gets a look at that footage the jig is up. So you stole the card, crushed it into nougat-sized
pieces and baked them into a memory chip cookie. Please stop! There’ll be nothing left for the scout troop! It was a sly move sending Lu to enquire about
the footage and establish a false alibi. But I saw through it like Beyoncé’s dress
at the Grammys. What are you talking about? I didn’t speak to that lubricious tramp! Yes, I was concerned about the make-up symmetry
but I would never break the eighth commandment! Besides, what’s the point of destroying
the footage? We always end up reshooting most scenes anyway. But if the footage is unusable due to one
person’s mistake, Gustaf doesn’t pay that person for the entire week and he makes
sure the rest of the team knows exactly who to blame for the reshoot. Footage goes missing, however, that
blame falls squarely on me and no one ever has to know about the Phantom of the Opera. How brutish! I had no idea about Gustaf’s vindictive
approach to damage control. – I only joined this team a few weeks ago, as you well know! Wait. I’m remembering something from the shoot. Just after Gustaf called wrap – I was taking
my gear back to the car… No. No! No! No, there’s nothing there! There’s nothing there! She sounded highly distressed. I don’t know what it means but if it helps
your investigation, I see no harm in selling Milly down the river. What could have made Milly so upset? The list was long – she’s more fragile than
a crystal champagne flute at a convention for airport baggage handlers. Seemed I was right about Lu, though. Or perhaps I was wrong about Kacy, but something
stank worse than a public toilet in Thailand. I had to get back to the office and clear
my head by submerging it in a bucket of cerebral decongestant. Ransacking for something? Oh, no, I was… just looking for you, mister
Fex. Well I got news for you, Moneybags. Even during my years as a circus contortionist,
I was never skilled enough to cram myself into a three-inch-deep desk drawer. Ah, you’ve caught me grey-handed, mister Fex! I wanted to be a big hero by finding the missing memory
card – I figured, something goes missing, it’s usually in the most obvious place,
right? God knows we don’t want to have to reshoot
any of this film. That’s very thoughtful of you. No luck, I take it? Nope, it’s good and gone. But don’t beat yourself up over it. Why things go missing all the time. Why – me, I’m always misplacing large envelopes
stuffed with 100% clean, non-sequential, untraceable cash. I just leave them lying about and completely forget about
‘em. It’s one of my quirks. I’ve come to embrace it. As to your predicament, well if this memory
card was destined to never be found, ever again, ever, until the end of time… well it wouldn’t
be the worst thing in the world. Would it? How did you know the card was missing? Ahh.. you’re pretty adept at catching out an honest
schmoe in a lie! You’re pretty adept at getting caught in
one, for an “honest schmoe”. Let’s see. If you took the card yourself, you wouldn’t
be searching for it, unless you’re playing a cunning game of misdirection and I don’t
think you’re that cunning. Which leaves one possibility: You were the
one outside my door eavesdropping on my phone call with Gustaf, which explains the tumble-pubes
stuck to the soles of your shoes, present only at this end of the corridor, where vacuuming
has been egregiously neglected of late. So I wast wandering past when you were
on the phone – what could I have heard? The part about reshooting 18 years’ worth
of footage. And that’s exactly what you want, isn’t
it, Wilton? Why would anyone want that? Because The Void is the only thing in your
life. Without it you’re nothing. And you worship the ground Gustaf hawks his
phlegm on. You want that footage to disappear to prolong
The Void as much as possible. Which is also why you sabotaged Friday’s
shoot by ruining Lu’s make-up. Time’s up, Kacy! We have a schedule to stick to. Lu, on set now please! Please! Don’t tell anyone! I’ll give you whatever you want! Money, power, women! I don’t want your dirty money or your ill-gotten
power. Send me a brochure on the women. Listen to me- I know who stole the card. It was Ed! What makes you say that? Well, didn’t you see him on Friday? He’s so hopped up on caffeine
his hands were shaking the whole time. Most of the shoot was hand-held. You do the math. Lies within lies within whispered half truths. No one I could trust. Wilton is slimier than a tree-frog in bucket
of chicken fat but he seemed innocent of stealing the card. Unless he was more cunning than I thought
he was. Time to get a sound-bite from the sound girl. I just hoped her teeth weren’t sharper than
her wits. Bonjour, detective! Spring cleaning? Evidently! Or sprung cleaning up evidence! Sacre bleu! What are you saying? Drop the charade, chérie, or do I have to
sound it out for you? Do the words “there’s nothing there”
ring any bells? Merde! Kacy overheard you after Friday’s shoot. Let me tell you what I think it means. I think you checked your equipment on your
way to your car and realised you’d set it to the wrong input, ergo, no sound had been
recorded. Today, the memory card with the footage mysteriously
disappears. Coincidink? Oh, I applaud your active imagination detective, but
c’est ouf! Why would I steal footage if the problem is
with sound? Because if the footage goes missing, the shoot
is automatically a fail, I get all the blame and no on ever knows about the missing audio. I regret to burst your balloon, detective,
but you are barking up incorrect trees. The reason I say these words is because Ed
was trying to ask me out again and I was simply telling him I no longer had feelings for him. Milly, I wanna have sex again. Can we just get back together? No – no. There’s nothing there. There’s nothing there. Men find me very alluring. Curse my foreign sexiness! How fortuitous. I’m on my way to visit Ed right now. It’ll be interesting to see if he wishes
to corroborate you. He wished to corroborate me on Friday behind
the maintenance shed, but I said no. Time will tell, mademoiselle. I think I know who stole your little chip. What do you know? You’re just the sound recordist. Which means I hear things. This costume’s ridding up my crack. Why does Jesse the cowgirl from Toy Story make me so horny? Things people don’t want other people to
know. Nothing is ever perfectly clean, and some
things… are downright dirty. Of course, it would be against my nature to
divulge such things to a third party… Perhaps my good friends Unaipon and Cowan
can help loosen your lips. Who? They’re the people on Australian banknotes
– it’s 50 bucks. Lu was saying the wrong lines of dialogue. The hell you say. I swear it’s true. If you can’t trust the French, who can you
trust? Milly hears a lot, but she couldn’t hear
the quaver in her own voice. She wasn’t telling the whole truth and nothing but. Before I asked Ed to corroborate her ass,
I had to know something. It’s open. Evening, detective. Make yourself comfortable. I’m just changing
out of my work clothes. Didn’t realise there was clothing in your
line of work. Well this shouldn’t take long then, should
it? To what do I owe the pleasure? To a testimony given by one Milly Surname
Unknown, claiming you spoke the wrong dialogue on Friday’s shoot, incidentally affording
you a clear motive to steal the footage, which, incidentally, has been stolen. And how could I say the wrong words without
everyone on set noticing? Nobody reads the script except for you
and Milly. Gustaf has changed the words so many times even he
doesn’t know what you’re meant to be saying. I admit that in
the past I haven’t always bothered to learn the latest draft. No one ever accused me of being a good girl. But Gustaf’s never noticed before so why should
I be worried this time? Maybe you realised you played with fire too many times and your fingers are overdue a burn. There’s a lot of things my fingers are overdue
for… I don’t hear a denial. If Milly’s so sure I said the wrong words,
why didn’t she play you back the audio from the shoot? Could it be, that she has no audio to play back? I know you lied about talking to Kacy. She had no idea about the consequences for
spoiling one of Gustaf’s shoots. That’s funny. I’m surprised she forgot so quickly after
I told her all about it on Friday night. Especially since it seemed to concern her
an awful lot. You two better stick to your stories. If I find out there’s a conspiracy here
I’m gonna blow the lid of it like a tin of Pringles and once I pop I just can’t
stop. That’s the way I like it. Course, If you don’t trust me you could
always handcuff me to the bed. The number of conflicting accounts was climbing
like a hydrangea vine in extremely nutritious soil. I had one last stop on the road to justice. And it weren’t no picnic stop. Woah! Hey! Detective! So nice of you to drop in unannounced like
this. I take it this is just a social call? You call this social? I call this sotted! What!! I haven’t touched a drop a liquour since
my uncle died of a heart attack! It wasn’t alcohol related, but it did put me
on the straight-and-narrow. Not liquor. Java! You’ve been dealing brown magic on set! That’s an outrageous accusation! You come into my space and call me a bean-pusher? You don’t just push the barista-candy, you’re
hooked on it! You’re shaking like a leaf in a grasshopper
terrarium! That’s why you stole the footage – cos you
knew it would look like it was shot by a flea on a trampoline! You’re a mocha-latte Starbuckin’ dirt-blower! That’s a loada hooey! I’m shakin’ cos I got a fever. It only just came on about an hour ago. I see. And this must be where you keep the medicine. Those have been there for ages. Suppose these haven’t been washed in ages? I did some impromptu gardening this morning. Tried new things. But it wasn’t for me. I’m telling you – you won’t find a single
speck of the Devil’s dingleberry dust in this room. OK, look. Alright! I admit it. I have a bit of a problem but I’m
cleaning myself up! I wasn’t gulping crystal Colombia on Friday
– I swear. Is that the lie you told Milly when you propositioned
her after the shoot? I guess she didn’t buy it either. After? Is that what she said? Look, I did ask her out and I did get rejected
but it was before the shoot, not after. I ask her out at the start of every shoot. I like to get it out of the way so I can focus
on the next 18 hours. Come to think of it… I did see something mighty suspicious right
after that… As I was going to get the camera, I saw Wilton
fiddling with Milly’s sound gear. I remember thinking that’s odd, cos Wilton
doesn’t deal with sound. He mainly deals with grovelling. Everyone was pointing fingers at everyone
else. It was like a group of mimes in a Mexican
standoff. There was nothing to do now but– You’ve got a thing for throwing ladies up against walls, don’t you? You ain’t no lady. You’re slinking around this house like a
back-alley stray on the prowl for a blind mouse with a broken leg. I’ve half a mind to grab you by the scruff
of your mangy neck and kick you to the gutter. Ooh, I love it when you talk animal cruelty. You a cat lover, mistuh? I was always more of a dog man. I reckon if you rubbed my back and made me
purr I could change your mind about that. And wait for me to drop my guard just long
enough for you to stick your claws in? I ain’t falling for you, girly. Oh but I think you are. Shame on you. Taking advantage of me when I’m vulnerable. You’re about as vulnerable as a vertical
cliff. Mmm. But so much softer. So did you figure out who pinched your little
friend? Yes I did. And now it’s time to round up the usual, gun coming out of the coat,
suspects. I’ve turned this house upside-down, inside-out
and back-to-front. The memory card is but a memory. Was it a lone culprit or was it a conspiracy? Every answer I obtained raised its own questions. Every corner I turned just led to deeper and
darker corners. Until finally, like a team of highly-skilled,
synchronised masturbation performance artists, it all came together. And the solution was right here, on this. Keep your eyes on the screen, for when I insert this drive, you’ll all know the truth the same as I. There was no conspiracy. The thief acted alone. Through a highly sophisticated process of
elimination and deduction, I have reached the inevitable conclusion that the perpetrator
was and always has been… Oh here it is! The memory card… was in your
computer this whole time? Yeah, I remember now… I put it in after the shoot because I was
going to watch it back but I got distracted when Lu asked me to help her with the zipper
on her dress. That old trick. Hey Fex, can you fix the zip on this dress? It’s busted. Why does it smell like vomit? Take a guess. So what’s on the USB? Ah – it’s just my high school graduation video. I actually had no idea who did it – I was
just thought if I put it in the computer the culprit would, you know, break down and confess. OH GOD! IT WAS ME THE WHOLE TIME!! Well, he was right about one thing. Action! Yikes. That’s… really shaky. I was probably drinking too much coffee
that day. I got a real problem. Mmmm. The spaghetti is so delicoious! What the hell?? That can’t be the right dialogue! It’s not. I didn’t learn the new lines. I just repeated what I’d memorised from
an earlier version, when the scene was set in a restaurant. Is it wheat free? I can’t eat gluten. God, t-t-the make-up is only on one half of your
face! I knew it! That’s why I asked Lu to steal the card! Which I would have done if Fex hadn’t convinced
me someone else had gotten to it first. The computer’s the first place I would have
checked. I thought about stealing it too, as soon as
I realised no sound had recorded because the mike was connected to the wrong input. There was nothing there! Yeah I’m sorry about that, Mil. I just wanted us to reshoot that one
scene but as soon as I found out it was going to be 18 years’ of reshoots, I knew
I had to try harder to bury that card. So all my motives
were correct, except no one had the chance to commit the actual crime. Hey Gustaf. Uh, look, I know why you’re calling and here’s
the thing… I couldn’t find the card. So I won’t be able to turn the footage black
and white. and it’s my fault, I accept full
resp– Black and white? Oh I’m not interested in that anymore. It’s a bit wanky, plus – it’ll rob
the film of all its vibrancy and who wants that? But I have been thinking about those filters
you mentioned and I’ve decided I now want the complete opposite of black and white. I want all colour! Even the areas that would normally be black
and white! If it’s black, make it pink; if it’s white,
make it teal; if it’s grey, make it shamrock. It’s going to be a whole new colour
style! I’m calling it, “Gustachrome”! Oh and I want to reshoot all the footage from
the last 18 years as well. Oh well – all’s well that ends well! The evidence before me all points to another episode of The Void. One with more blood and bullets then a red cross rally at a firing range in Wyoming. There is no way I’m attending Gustaf’s idea of a Boot Camp! Welcome to Boot Camp maggots! Training starts now! I’VE BEEN SHOT!!! We have to escape! I’m making a run for it. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

75 thoughts on “THE VOID: Rebooted – 5 – Film Nwah

  1. Never trust a French, especially if he claims that he's not lying.

    From a French who's highly enjoying the show 😉
    (Do I lie or not ? That is the question)

  2. The metaphors and similes in this episode are both left field and hilarious at the same time.

    "Like a team of highly skilled synchronized masturbation performance artists…it all came together"

    Whhhaattt ?!! 😂🤣😭

  3. Ok can someone please get a network to get these guys a sketch show on either fox or Comedy Central because if so I promise you this it will be a FREAKIN AWESOME HIT 🙂🤩😎👍 and I’m from New York and that’s saying something

  4. This is my favourite episode yet! The writing and style was so great! So many fantastic lines!! (My favourite was the Pringle can analogy!)

  5. The one thing wrong about this work of art is that it’s free-to-watch, it should really be pay-to-watch.

    I consider these episodes a “Work of Art” because each one of them is almost as flawless as a famous painting.

  6. The rings on the wrong finger
    Em I'm dyslexic
    I loved that but I'd have said dyspraxic
    If u don't know what it is search because I'm tired of trying to explain it
    Comment if u did

  7. Legitimately, this is THE most underrated series on YouTube, you should be getting so many more views and likes, you deserve so much more than this, Love from India ❤😘 and keep up the good work 😍😍

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