Talking Stone Film

Film Reviews & Headlines


– When were you gonna collect my money? (bird crows) – When were you gonna collect my money? – Afterwards. – I want it now, Amy. (bird crows) It’s time humans knew who
you were dealing with. I am Wron and I am the
leader of this planet and these are my bitches, yeah. – [Billy] Earth, it sucks to say it but I’m never sorry to leave, even if it’s only for a few days. Don’t get me wrong, it’s my home, it always will be but earth has become a
very uncomfortable planet, hot, crowded, like being
stuck in line at the DMV in the middle of August
with no air conditioning, every day, all year round. – [Control] Crew, prepare for takeoff. – [Billy] Oh, and there’s
this other problem too. – There she was, laying
spread eagle on the bed with nary an undergarment
and a pair of legs that looked like they danced their way out of a sardine can. – Oh, brother. – I have such a thing for legs. Sardines, is that good? – Ever seen a fresh sardine
out of a can, Billy? Light on bones, concave in shape, and smooth as a buttered oil slick. – They are tasty little morsels. – Well, what happened
next, Captain Grayson? – I climbed atop that
mattress like it was Everest, mounted my flagpole too so everyone would know who’d been there. Hard, fast and strong like a wild stallion galloping across a well mowed prairie, a golf course with one
hell of a 19th hole. – Reminds me of the good old days growing up on the ranch. Back then I fingered more
cowgirls than a saddle horn. Shame they outlawed sex before I really knew my
way around the bedpost. – Today, I’d get seven to 10 years for what that girl and I did and it would’ve been worth the sentence. – Why’d they have to
make sex illegal, anyhow? – Overpopulation, Billy, and the drought. Reservoirs are empty, planet can’t support anymore people. – I knew we were in trouble when they turned the Grand
Canyon into a ghetto. – And we had to start recycling piss. – Captain, could you
tell me what it’s like, I mean, describe how sex
with a woman really feels? – It’s like stepping slowly
into a bubbling hot jacuzzi filled with mink coats. – Wow. – [Control] Grayson,
you’ve got a phone call. – Giles, are you there darling? I simply couldn’t allow you
to leave on your mission without speaking. Answer me, Giles. – Give me a minute, fellas, my wife’s on the line. Hello, damn it. – [Linda] Giles, I’m terribly sorry for what I said last night. – That’s quite alright, dear, now, please. – [Linda] You mean you’re not angry? – Not in the least. I must go now. I’ve told you about calling. – But last night you threatened– – Woman, I don’t remember
what I said last night. I was three sheets to
the wind, blind drunk. You could’ve tattooed five
winning super lotto numbers on my ass cheeks and
I’d still be on welfare. – Then you don’t remember our argument? – [Giles] Not a syllable. – And our discussion, how about that? – Nothing. Was it important? – Only a seven paragraph, 18
point conflict resolution plan to save our marriage. – Oh, well, how about if we hang up and you can call back and
leave it on my machine? I’ll be sure to listen to it. – [Linda] Giles, one last thing. – [Giles] What is it? – Can you at least remember when you told me you still loved me? – I’m sorry, dear, it
just doesn’t ring a bell. – [Control] Crew, I’d like to remind you you’re about to blast
off into outer space. Keep your seatbelts fastened at all times and if you have to use
the lavatory system, for god’s sake remember
to flush this time. – [Giles] Yeah, yeah. – We like to leave souvenirs. – [Giles] Copy that, control. – Another exciting trip to
space station number six. And that’s where we’re
headed, Mr. Dorsett, to make repairs. – You mean to tell me I spent four and a half billion dollars to pay back a couple of
intergalactic plumbers? – That’s about what
four and a half billion will get you nowadays, Mr. Dorsett. Now, be a good little space tourist and strap yourself in good and tight or would you rather I
buckled your belt for you? – Hell, I knew I should’ve
gone to Thailand. – I hear Phuket is very
popular this time of year. – Stop fretting, my wealthy Texan friend. You may just have your fun yet. – Initiating countdown. Ten – [Crew Member] Nine – [Crew Member] Eight – Seven – Six – Five, four, three,
two, one, just kidding. – [Crew Member] Five – [Crew Member] Four – Three – [Crew Member] Two – [Crew Member] One – [Control] Zero. Blastoff. (engine bursting) (intense music) (mysterious music) – The favorite women of this lost world, rumored to possess such sexual skill they could coax an orgasm
out of a stone statue. – We’ve been walking for three days and the closest I’ve come to getting laid was when that flying lizard
put his beak up my ass. – It’s simply a matter of
finding their mating grounds, Captain Pugh. Be patient. – Tell that to my colon, asshole. Look there. – What did I tell you? – I can’t believe my eyes. They’re beautiful. (energetic music) – Greetings, I am Willa. – The leader, I presume. – Most impressive for an earth man. I will now fellate you. The others can service your associate. – Dinner and drink out of the question? – Have you fellows come to
have intercourse or not? – I’m like a pig, I never turn down a good suckling. – Me too. – Then let’s begin. Oh, oh. – Ooh yeah. – Marvelous, (moaning) Heil, Hitler. – Yo, what the fuck is going on here? – Wron! – When were you gonna collect my money? – When were you gonna collect my money? I want it now. New policy after that
last crew of deadbeats came around here looking for a freebie. Now, which one of you
fuckholes is gonna pay me? – We’ve been searching
for an ATM on this planet. That wouldn’t be what you are, would it? – You calling me an ATM? Okay, I’ll be your ATM, astronaut motherfucking torture machine. You’re coming with me. (yelling) – Don’t hurt us, ow! (upbeat music) – [Billy] Well, say goodbye to the earth. – For a planet that’s been suffering 100 years of global warming, she is a frigid bitch. Fair thee well, you dry and sexless place. – Entering lunar space. – [Giles] You know, they say from up here you can almost see my wife’s ass. – That’s not a nice thing
to say about Mrs. Grayson. – You haven’t met Mrs. Grayson. – I know what you’re trying to do. You’re down on marriage and you want me to join the club. – I’m not down on marriage, son. I’m down on fat asses. Besides, we all know the real
reason you’re getting married. – Jeannie and I plan on being very happy and you know something, I’d be doing it even without any sex laws. – The irony of this
upside down legal system we’re forced to live under, an international ban
on sex before marriage and then after marriage, you quit wanting to have sex anyway. – But how can you
possible get tired of sex? – It’s not the sex it’s the lack of female variety. A fella needs to change
it up every few months, that’s natural like lions in the jungle. – And monkeys. – And mormons. – Maybe you guys have a point. I keep thinking about the argument I had with Jeannie before I left. It was late. I was staying over her folks place. – Go to sleep, Billy. You know we can’t. You’re only making it
harder on both of us. – Trust me, it’s harder on me. – Well, how do you think I feel? Of course I want to be close to you, to hold you in my arms, feel your weight on top of my body. – Oh, Jeannie, I need you so bad. – Heaving against the hot
thrust of your manhood, meeting each tender stroke with
a gentle squeeze of my hips. – Please, Jeannie, no one will ever know. Its so late. How could they see us? – They have their ways, Billy. It’s never safe. – What if I just put my balls in? – What? That’s disgusting. – But not illegal. I checked the rule book. There’s nothing that
says it’s not allowed. Come on, just a quick dip? – Billy, my parents are in the next room. If they hear you talking like that, they’ll call the authorities. They’ve reported me for a lot less than talking about ball sex. – Okay. How about one ball? – Would that even be pleasurable? – No, of course not. It’s harmless like sipping one of those
Japanese boba drinks. Come on, let’s try. – That’s enough, Billy Shultz. Face it, there’s only
one way we’re gonna do it so until you’ve put a ring on my finger this conversation is over. – [Billy] A date for the wedding was set. Now it’s just a matter of
holding out until then. – Holding out can drive
a man to do crazy things. – Maybe I should’ve gotten
more out of my system first but when Jeannie and I got engaged, well, I felt like I couldn’t
wait a second longer. – I know the feeling, son. You’ve got the weight of the
world hanging on your loins and if it doesn’t let off soon, the pressure’s sure to pop your scrotum like a small hydrogen bomb. Control, we’re approaching seven speed at 19 percent acceleration. Request to suspend visual contact until we’ve reached point eight? – Alright, Grayson, permission granted. Hmm, now what do you
suppose they’re on about? – Never know with those guys, sir. Grayson’s always got
something up his sleeve. – Let’s leave visual on for the time being just for the bloody fuck of it. – Looks like we’re far enough out from the earth’s atmosphere. Maybe those stiffs at mission control will leave us be for awhile. – Hey, Cap, you’re not gonna believe what’s coming through on this monitor. – What is it, Ben? – I’ll be. – It’s a girl and she’s not wearing hardly anything. – I haven’t seen the likes of this since i hacked into
grandaddy’s hard drive history when they still had porn on the internet. – The last crew must’ve left a disc in the DVD HD Ultra Def DV
Plasma Max Awesome player. – Captain Fitzgerald. Remind me to thank him about
our safe and satisfied return. – Boy oh boy, look at that apple bottom. – Like two hippopotami fighting
to drink from a muddy well. – What do you think of a chick like that? If you got her in bed, would she go all the way? – Take the polish right off
your space boots, junior. – [Giles] What the? – [Billy] Oh, man, yeah. – [Ben] I love it, oh ho ho. – [Billy] How does she do that? – I’d pay her to refinish my hard woods. – What I wouldn’t give
to be her haberdasher. – [Linda] Giles, it’s me again. Are you there? Please pick up. Pick up. I know you can hear me. Hello, Billy. How’s your fiance? I hope you’re behaving
yourselves up there. – Christ almighty. What is it now? – Were you in the middle of something? – Just maneuvering between
the two moons of Venus. It felt so abrupt. – Okay, how would you prefer to end it? – Oh, I don’t know. Say something silly, a joke. Make me laugh like you used
to whenever we’d say goodbye. – Uh, there once was
a man from Nantucket– – No, not like that. A sexy story, that time we were on our honeymoon when you slipped in the bathtub. – [Ben] Yes. – Giles, we desperately need to talk. – Look, Linda, why don’t you have a drink, take one of your pills and have a nice nap
for three or four days? By the time you wake up, I’ll nearly be home and then we can have a long discussion about whatever you want? – [Linda] Are you trying
to brush me off, Giles? – [Billy] Yes! – No, but I have a job to do and I’d appreciate you’re
allowing me to get to it. – I used to do jobs for you. I gave you every type of job
just after we were married. Remember? Would you like me to give you a job now? – Damn it, I’ve told
you I already have one. Now close up the employment office and stay the hell off this line before I report you to the
Better Business Bureau. Hmph! Where was I? Has she shown her mud flaps yet? – [Billy] Oh mama, give it to me! – How about some underdog hair? That’s what I’d like. – [Billy] Sick! – [U Go Girl 5000]
Girlfriend, if I were you, I’d get on the internet and
start looking for a new man. – Giles and I have labored
through tough times before and this is no different. – [U Go Girl 5000] He’s
up there on a spaceship with a bunch of horny guys going who knows where doing who knows what with who knows who. Did you forget what happened
on his trip to Mars? – That was six years ago and he said it was a one time thing. – [U Go Girl 5000] He’s a man, Linda. If it’s giving him pleasure, there’s no such thing as doing it once. He’ll keep doing it over and over, especially if there are
no real consequences for his actions. – He agreed to attend couples therapy. – [U Go Girl 5000] Twice. Then he claimed his insurance
wouldn’t cover it anymore. – I’m shutting you off now
because you’re annoying me. – [U Go Girl 5000] You
can pull my plug, Linda, but that’s not going to change the reality of your situation. – I want you to be my
best friend and confidant. That’s what You Go Girl
5000 Series computers are built to do, not make me feel like
shit about my marriage. – [U Go Girl 5000] That’s right, I forgot. You already have someone
to do that, your husband. Control room, are you getting
transmission on module four? – Yep, we’re getting
it in the control room. Do we still have that old
government health video? We’ll teach him a lesson
he won’t soon forget. Stand by. – I wish to bring your attention to an important phase, preservation of your health. The greatest risk is
that of venereal diseases acquired during the sexual act. In the event of contact
with a contaminated woman, you must bear in mind that
there are available to you specific preventives and
cures for specific infections. You’ve made your point. – Have we, Captain? Your display could compel the government to shut down this entire facility and your crews livelihood along with it. That’s besides the toll these behaviors take on your morality. – Yes, sex leads to death, I get it. You’ve been waving that
logic in our faces for years. Well, I’m tired of
government scare tactics. – Well, that’s right. Who are they to threaten us anyway? Give me that headset. I’m a man, damn it, that’s what Captain Grayson says, no, that’s what I say, I’m a man and I intend to behave like one. I don’t care what society’s rules say. – He can’t hear you, Billy. You have to turn the microphone on. – Huh? Oh. – You men keep it up and
you will all be damned. Take my word for it, the road to promiscuity will
only lead you in one direction, straight to hell. – Alright, you heard the man, let’s quit toddling our twats and move on out of this asteroid belt. Billy, fire up the engines. Let’s see if we can’t catch
up to the devil himself. (mysterious music) – No, Mrs. Johnson, no I’ve never eaten a shit salad before. I can see how that would be
an unpleasant experience. All I can tell you is we’re
working on the problem. Now, there’s a special crew
coming all the way from earth. – Okay, man, more complaints? – Uh, it’s Mrs. Johnson
over in penthouse 8B. She was eating her lunch on the roof and a turd floated into her mixed greens. – What a fucking mess, man. – No shit. – That’s the trouble, a lot of shit. – Shut the fuck up. – This is Captain Grayson
to space station six. We’re approaching destination. Request permission to land? – [Vinnie] Oh thank god. Yeah, yeah, permission granted. We’re knee deep in human waste here. – Don’t worry, we brought a plunger. – We made it. Whoa, almost lost my balance. – Still getting your sea legs, Billy? Changing gravity plays
hell on your private parts. After 23 years of space travel, my foreskin brushes the floor when I walk. – Is that why they call you the swiffer? – Hell, I can’t even tie my shoelace without snagging a pube or two. Space station six, fully
functional settlement, residential apartments,
stores, restaurants, not bad for a sleazy rest stop
on the way to somewhere else. – [Billy] I heard station nine is building their own petting zoo. Shame we weren’t called there, huh? – If we were five years old. I prefer my entertainment to be of a somewhat more adult nature. – Oh, yeah, me too. Who wants to look at a bunch
of animals anyway, right? – We’re all animals, Billy. Never forget that. Some of us are just tamer than others. – Is there anything I
can do to help, Captain? – Stay here and count
your money, Mr. Dorsett. We’ll come back for you later. – Now see here, I made my fortune in biodegradable
diesel and sapphire oil, don’t assume for a second I don’t know about getting my hands dirty. – This isn’t dirt, Ben, it’s crap and I don’t think your
alternative fuel system sufficiently prepared you
for dealing with that. – Ready to go, Cap. – If you’ll excuse us, duty calls. – Cavalry’s here, huh? – Jack, handle the board
while I brief the crew. Oh, looking good, kid. Done your equipment test? – All checked out and
ready for my space walk. Don’t worry, Vinnie, Captain Grayson’s the
best in the business. – By the way, I was hoping if you could do me a little
favor while you’re out there. – Anything for an old friend. What did you have in mind? – See this? It’s an MP9 video chip. Now once you’ve done your survey, I want you to put this in the camcorder and look for residential complex 39. It should be just east
of your coordinates. – No, sir, those are not
meatballs on your pizza. You are advised to throw out the pie. – Why would I want to film
an apartment building? – On the 14th floor, eight windows to the left
there’s a woman’s apartment. Now, I got some buddies
that are real into legs. Right about this time every evening, this lady puts on a show
you’ve got to see to believe. – Hold it, Vinnie, watching
pornography almost got me fired, shooting it could put me behind bars. – It’s legs, kid, an
innocent pair of legs. Nothing dirty about that. You’re about to get married, right? – [Billy] Hey, you don’t see
any rings on these fingers, do you? – No, but you’re wearing gloves. Hey, you almost forgot your camera. – 14th floor, window number eight, 14th floor, window number eight, this woman must really
be something special. – [Jack] Think he can pull it off? – Doubt it. By the looks of that kid, it’ll be a premature evacuation. – [Giles] Billy, I’m coming to pick you up in the subcruiser. – 14th floor, window number eight. – [Giles] What was that? – That for sure, we’re gonna be great. – [Giles] Copy that. – [Billy] Shit. – [Giles] You said it,
look at that doodoo fly. – [Billy] I can smell
it from inside my suit. Is it dangerous? – [Giles] Only if one
hits you straight on. With that density, it’d smash right through
the glass on your helmet. – [Billy] That’s what I
call getting shitfaced. – [Giles] We’re looking
for obstructed sewer mains, burst pipes, anything that could lead us
to the cause of all this. – [Billy] Yes, sir. Hey, Giles, can I ask you a question? – [Giles] Of course. – [Billy] What is love? – [Giles] Excuse me. – [Billy] Oh, forget it. – [Giles] No, no, you asked me a question and I’m gonna answer it. Love is a four letter word. – [Billy] I knew you’d
say something like that. – [Giles] Love is a four letter word more powerful than all
those others combined and try to make a mockery out of it. Love is the flutter of your heart every time you pull up to her doorstep, the music of her voice
playing about your ears when she says the table grace, the way the sun shines on your soul just knowing you’ll soon
be seeing her again. Watch out, that one had a piece of corn in it. – [Billy] What if we get a giant diaper and draped it over the
entire space station? – [Giles] If it were
only that damned simple. – [Billy] 14 floors up and eight windows, wait a second, there she is. – [Giles] Jackpot. – [Billy] Oh, I think she saw me. (whistling) – Hey, there’s one thing
I forgot to mention, whatever you do, don’t get
a hard on in that suit. – [Billy] What? – I’m serious. The change in pressure will
screw up your oxygen levels and well you’ll end up
floating out to deep space with no paddle. You dig? – [Billy] Okay, I’ll
try to keep that in mind but get a load of those drumsticks. You wanted legs, Vinnie? She’s like a millipede. – You better be feeling
this, mother fucker. – [Billy] Oh wow, they
do look like sardines. (sexy music) I don’t know how much more I can take. – [Giles] Billy, is
everything alright over there? – [Billy] I’m feeling
kind of light headed. I think I need, I need to get laid. – [Male] Open up, boy, you’ve been in there over an hour. – [Female] What a handsome young man. (heavy breathing) – [Female] Not now, Billy, I told you. (grunting) – [Male] The child must learn
to keep it in his pants. (moaning) – [Female] Billy, wait. Billy, wait. – [Giles] What the hell is going on? – Remember what I told you, don’t get an erection in that suit. – [Billy] Grandma naked, grandma naked. – [Giles] Hey Vin, I
figured out the problem, it’s not so much a leak as it is a clot. Looks like one of your waste
disposal ducts is blocked and I think the pressure caused the seal to blow that main septic tank. – Fantastic. What’s the location of the clot? – [Giles] Give me a second, I’m reading coordinates G7 and B5. – Hoo, you sunk my battleship. Nah, psych, okay, that would
be lot 20, system four, building six, hallway H,
room 19, stall number seven. That’s a toilet. – [Giles] And there’s your clot. Can you get someone there right away? – That’s that crazy Russian dude’s floor. – [Giles] Call him now. Until that blockage is cleared, the shit will continue hitting the fan. – Hey, Willie, where you at? Get your ass over to the men’s room. Hurry! You hear me boy? I ain’t got time for any
of your wacky bullshit now. – [Willie] Yes, I’m
hearing you, stall seven. – I don’t know what’s
jammed down that toilet but whatever it is, it’s a mother. – [Willie] Oh yeah, definitely clogged. It’s very bad. – [Giles] Any luck up there, fellas? – [Willie] Still trying. Someone must’ve pooped out a big potato or a broccoli or something. Wait a minute, oh you’re not going to believe this. – What the hell is it? – [Willie] Porno magazines, lots of them. – You better trash that contraband before someone finds you gawking at it. – [Willie] Whatever you say, boss. – [Giles] I found the septic plug. It’s jut outside sector seven. Can we get a suction hose over here? – [Billy] Wait, wait, wait, the magazines, did you say if you had
any asian, asian bukkake, asian animal bukkake? Oh, oh no, oh, oh, oh no! – [Giles] Get ahold of yourself, son. Billy, Billy!
– Oh god, here I go. Whoa! No, no. – [Astronaut One] Heads up. – [Astronaut Two] Grab onto this. – [Billy] I’m sorry about
what happened out there. I really lost it. – Don’t worry, kid. It’s been a long day for all of us. – Word is there’s an awful
good cocktail lounge in town. What do you say we mosey on
over and blow off some steam? Drinks? – Sounds like a plan. (spaceship zooming) (jazzy music) – Here’s to completing our
mission well ahead of schedule. Here, here. – Salute! – Lot of ladies out tonight. – [Giles] You can’t be
too picky about broads in the middle of outer space but these skanks couldn’t give away kisses at a braille convention. – [Billy] Be fair, Cap,
if there’s somewhere out– – [Giles] I’ve seen nicer
butts in an ashtray. – [Ben] Okay, Grayson, you got a better suggestion where to go? – [Giles] As a matter of fact, I know a place in a small
system not too far from this one where rumor has it there lives the most beautiful
women in all the universe. – [Billy] You mean, another planet? – Their insatiable sexual
desires are legendary and yet, there are no male inhabitants. – So, they’re hot to trot? – Like picking watermelons
right off the vine. – And 100% legal. – Can we be there by last call? – We’re not due home for another two days. I say this is just what
young Billy here needs, what we all need. – No strings attached. – And no one ever needs to know. – [Giles] Our secret detour to the sex galaxy. – To the sex galaxy. – Sex galaxy. (jazzy music) (electronic buzzing) – Thanks again for a
job well done, fellas. (upbeat music) – Here’s the story and don’t laugh or make
noise in the background, you can make noise but make it sound like you’re
doing something important like checking coordinates or discussing gravitational fields, you know, shit like that. On second thought, keep your traps shut. Got it? Grayson to control. Grayson to control, do you read me? – Go ahead, Grayson. – We’re still up here,
working extremely hard, I mean semi-hard. What I’m trying to say is we’re excited. – Chief, I’ve got Captain
Grayson on line seven. Not quite sure what he’s getting at. – Not excited, exactly but
we’re happy to be horny, uh, honing, that is, honing in on the problem
with the maintenance system. No need to contact us again. – Carry on then, Captain,
and happy honing. See you in two days. – Mission control out. – Here we are. I hope they’re waiting
outside for us in a line up like an old fashioned brothel. Whoa, almost lost my balance. – [Giles] Must we go through
this every time we land? – What the hell, I’m game, still getting your sea legs, Billy? – Ow, my cock just hit the floor. (laughter) – What is that? – Doesn’t sound like any
brother I’ve ever heard. – If those are the hookers, I hope you guys brought lubricant. – And stay there! – Can’t you see they’re injured? Captain Pugh needs
immediate medical attention. – My leg! – Hope you have health insurance. – I beg of you, Wron, let us go. We’ll bring you back to earth with us. You’ll be welcomed as a hero. – In what? I ate your spaceship. – You destroyed our craft? But why? – It reminded me of my mother. – Then allow us to signal for rescue. – Why would I want to return to earth? 20 years ago I was left here to rust by a heartless human crew. Dead weight, that’s what they called me. – I thought your name was Wron. – The name I gave myself, wandering the vast emptiness
of this miserable planet until I found them, the women, they needed me and in
exchange for my protection – You made them whores! – I made them human, almost. – What could you possibly
know about humanity? You’re a metal pimp. – And you’re a pathetic john with a bum leg and no ride home. – What do you want from us? – Your motherfucking souls. – I’m going. Whatever’s out there waiting for us, I can handle it. – Last I checked, I was
captain of this vessel. Big Ben, grab the
spacesuits and oxygen packs. – Aye aye, sir. – Take any and all precautions, men. Simply breathing could be deadly. We have no idea what
the atmosphere’s like. – I’m pulling for soft
music and candlelight. – It’s not joke, Billy. I’m talking about our own protection. – Ribbed or French tickler? – Do you have Magnum? – Dinosaurs! You sure we got the right planet? I was expecting a greeting
party of lovely ladies. – [Giles] Perhaps we’ve
actually returned to the earth, only we’ve gone backwards in time. – Or we’ve gone forward in time, years in the future. Man has figured a way
through genetic engineering to bring dinosaurs back to life. At first, they were put in zoos, then used to do menial labor
by their human keepers. Soon they evolved, learned to speak and eventually overthrew their captors becoming the dominant species and once again ruling the planet. – [Billy] I’m gonna go explore. – Hold it. Attach this catheter to your spacesuit in case you need to urinate. – [Billy] If I have to do that,
I’ll just go behind a bush. – Ever hear of the astronaut
who pissed on a rock? Turned out the entire
planet was galvanized and a bolt of electricity
shot right up the urine stream and directly up his dick hole. The entire shaft blew up like
one of those exploding cigars. (explosion) Afterwards, his genitals
resembled a red, fleshy flower in full bloom. Quite beautiful, really. – Okay, I’ll use the tube. Water? I wonder if it’s poisonous
like it is on earth. Looks pretty brown. Maybe it’s a chocolate shake! Smells like pork burrito, no wait, it’s fish. Gosh, I must be hungry. Eww, it stinks! What the hell is that, an eggplant? My cousin works in a Chinese restaurant and he told me the best
way to prepare eggplant is to slice it down the middle and saute it in black bean sauce. My boy scout knife! I won that for underwear modeling. Whoa! – I’ve got a funny feeling
about these dinosaur creatures. Take a look at that one there. Hell, I used to have a
little pet just like him when I was a boy, kept inside a god damn little fish tank. – Are you implying that it’s not an enormous
man eating monster? – I believe it’s a trick, some sort of decoy to scare us off. See? He’s only giant when
you get up real close. What did I tell you? Son of a bitch fits in
the palm of my hand? – Oldest one in the book, but who would be trying to frighten us? (screaming) It’s Billy, come on! – [Ben] This reminds me of the time I was fishing
on Lake Nagadoscious. Felt a mighty powerful
tug on the end of my line and I got real excited. Turned out it was just my Uncle Phil. – [Giles] What the hell is that? – [Billy] A vaginosaur, help me! – [Ben] Ugh, who ordered curried goat? – [Giles] I know that smell. Nothing a good douching won’t fix. – [Billy] Help, it stings! – [Ben] Talk about being pussy whipped. – [Giles] Cut the fallopian tube! – [Ben] Does anyone have any yeast? – [Billy] It’s discharging! – [Giles] Come on, son! – [Billy] The thing
actually spoke to me, Giles. It said we’re in great danger and to stay away from the women or something called Wron
was going to find us and kill us dead. – [Giles] You’re in shock. Better check your oxygen. – [Ben] Billy, oh god, Billy, tell me you’re alright
and all in one piece. – [Billy] I’m fine. – [Ben] What about your crotch? I can test it to make sure it still works. Here. – Get off me, Ben. I need my camera. Perfect shot! That is definitely
going up on the website. Man, that was wild. I think I can officially say
I’ve gotten to third base. – You were lucky, Billy. 10 seconds later and you’d
have been a human papsmear. – What about the vaginosaur’s warning? I swear I didn’t imagine it. – Who the heck is this Wron? – I knew a fellow by that name, a welder, made decorative roosters
out of molten ore. The local women referred
to him as Iron Cock. – Come on, doctor, drink up. – Yuck, what is this? – Fish urine to marinade your insides
so you’ll taste better when I devour your ass. – Tastes awful! – Let it simmer. I’ll close your, close your, close your helmet to keep in the juices. – May I at least have a breath mint? – Sure. – I knew I should have stayed home. Why didn’t I listen to my wife? – Did you say your wife? (sobbing) – [Billy] Giles, I’ve
been thinking about it, I think I should try calling Jeannie. – Damn it, Billy. You came all the way across
the galaxy to get to this place and you can’t stop thinking
about your little girlfriend. You want to be a man, so start acting like one. Wet your willie and move
on to the next town. Haven’t I taught you anything or am I wasting my breath? I see you’re ready and
raring to go, Dorsettt. This little portacraft ought
to get us there in no time. What are you doing, anyhow? – I’m practicing screwing. – What? – Yeah, see, like this. – Everybody’s a damn comedian. What do we have here, photos? – Oh, nothing. Just my kids back home. – Lookie here, I didn’t
know you had a family. One, two, three, what kind of names are those? – Hey, what’s going on over here? – I never knew their real names. My wife died in childbirth and they were taken away from me, given over to the state orphanage. – Leaving you free to travel the universe and have some real fun. – Now, that’s more like it. No more sappy stories
about wives and kids. – Yeah, don’t go soft on us, Big Ben. – Ain’t a fellow allowed
to miss his own children? Fine, let’s go get laid. – Yeah! – Captain Grayson, come in. Captain Grayson, do you read me? Your wife’s on the line
and she says it’s urgent. I’m contacting space
station six straightaway to find out where the hell you are. – If all you want is a wife, why don’t you marry one of the beautiful women on this planet? There’s dozens to choose from. – They have no understanding
of the concept of love, no true emotions. They might as well be rocks with a hot, wet hole right in the middle. – Could do worse. Why don’t you find yourself
a nice female robot to settle down with? – Right, you ever tried
having sex with a robot? – No but I have assembled
furniture from Ikea. – It’s not the same. Like sticking your dick
in a garbage disposal. – Or sharpening a knife? – Grayson? I hope you can hear this. I just signed off with Vinnie on six. He said you left there yesterday. What are you up to, Grayson? I demand an explanation or
there will be hell to pay! – More men have arrived on the planet. Pathetic creatures. They step into my trap
like flies to a spider web. – He stole that line from me. – The signal’s coming
from across the island on the other side of the fire mountain. – Did you hear all of that, Pugh? – [Pugh] About wet holes? Yeah, that was really hot. – No, another crew has landed. They’re over on the other
side of that volcano. – From that elevation we could easily send a distress signal. – Yes and then push the robot inside and let him burn in a fiery hell. – Well, I’m staying right
here till I’m rescued. You want to climb an erupting
volcano that’s your deal. – Don’t be stupid. I believe he’s plotting to
lure every man from earth to this place so that he can return home and have our females all to himself. Now, let’s go. – [Ben] Whoa, look over there. – [Giles] That thing’s awful close. Better steer clear. – [Billy] No, wait, pull over. – [Ben] What’s gotten into you, kid? – See that big lizard? I’m gonna kill him just for the hell of it. – [Giles] Be careful, Billy. – [Billy] I’ll shoot him right in the ass. – Don’t go near the tail or the mouth, atta boy, billy. (lasers beaming) – Woo hoo, yeah! He’d make a terrific steak dinner. Too bad we’re all vegetarians. (laughter) – When you said we were
trying to find a wet body, I didn’t think you meant a gosh darn lake. – Look at all that water. We could sure use something
like this on earth. – It may look inviting but who’s to know if it’s safe. One touch to the skin and that liquid could
burn through our suits like big black cock
through a virgin’s hyman. – There’s got to be some
test we can perform. – [Giles] Shh, listen,
do you hear that noise? – [Ben] It’s coming from those cliffs. – Sounds like a strange animal, like a chicken. – No more like a deaf person
in some sort of discomfort. – Like he’s being tortured? – Who would torture a deaf person? – No, I’ve heard people
before and that’s no person. – Maybe it’s a deaf chicken. – What kind of animal would
torture a deaf chicken? – Don’t look now but I think we’re being watched. They’re boys, little kids. How did they ever get
all the way out here? (upbeat music) – What the? – Should we tell them? – [Billy] What’s going on around here? – They are boy slaves of the sex planet, illegitimate offspring born
to the female inhabitants. The result of their unholy union with the human men who
happened upon their flesh. – Hold on, you mean to tell
us those little bastards are little bastards? – [Billy] Look at that one. – It’s their ritual. Everyday they come to the waters edge in search of the lost statue
of the goddess Liberthia. – I’ll be damned. (cheering) – It was thrown into the sea by Wron, the robot master, years ago. Only when it’s found will the women of this
planet be free again. – Well, there’s our answer. That water’s safe as milk. – And now we fear that Wrong has heard us. We must take flight. – [Billy] Hey, that little boy is scared. – Don’t interfere, Billy. – I’m going up there to help him. – But you’ll alter the space time continu, the Back to the Future thing. – Let him go, Big Ben. He’s simply asserting his heroic instinct. It’s about time, wouldn’t you say? – [Billy] Oh no, he’s dead. Well, doesn’t anybody care? – Life means nothing to them, it has no value. It’s how things are here. A tragedy of hope. The sad result of the
suppression of the human spirit when entrapped in chains of human bondage. – It may be the way things are but it doesn’t mean things can’t change. Set up the portosand for aquacruise. We’re going for a boat ride. – Look at all that beautiful H20. – [Billy] I’m telling you, there’s enough here to
feed the entire planet. – Trouble is you can’t eat water. You drink it. – What I mean is we could
replenish every lake, reservoir and well spring on earth. I’m talking about saving
our planet, gentlemen. The real issue is how
to get it all back home. – Maybe that’s where I can help. My company extracts and
transports natural resources all over the globe. No reason why we couldn’t
do it on this globe. – Now we’re talking. – We’ve been talking. – Patch me through to Dorsettt
Industries right away. This is Mr. Dorsett calling. Hello? My secretary. Gerald, I want you to run some figures on how much it would cost to transport about 800
billion gallons of water from one planet to another. Yes, I’ll hang on. (screaming) I need to change this on hold music. Doesn’t anybody realize death metal will scare away customers? (sexy music) – Strong, sweaty, human men! – Shit, my credit card payment’s due. I mean, men! – Ladies, the winds have brought us word that more earth men have
landed on our shores. We must gather the others and prepare ourselves for their arrival. Sexselcia, get baby wipes, Organella, rustle up a pair of tweezers, Divorka, light the scented candles, Easellus, fetch the dental dams, Pornografanie, load in
the Barry White CD’s, Lubraticus, bring my shaving lotion, Insertia, be a doll and grab
my crotchless undergarments and Fornicatta, order a pizza, sausage. – Look, up there! – [Giles] Somebody doesn’t want us swimming in their fishing hole. – [Billy] He’s coming right for us! – Yes, Gerald, I’m listening. One trillion dollars? Hmmm, what about the resale amount? You know, supplying water to all the governments on earth. I know it’s a valuable commodity. A profit of 50 quadrillion dollars? Woohoo! (roaring) You hear that, Billy? We’re gonna be rich er, richer than Shep Gates the 3rd. – Thank, Big Ben, but I’m not concerned
about money right now. Here he comes again. – I’d like a slice of that pie. How do I get in at ground level? – Best thing to do is
invest everything you got into Dorsettt Industries. – Gun turrets ready! – But you better act quickly. Word gets out about this and stock prices will
shoot through the roof. – Billy, man the battle stations. I’ve got to get my wife on the phone! Damn it, woman, come in. (cannon blasting) I said come in if you can hear me. – Oh yes, Giles darling, so wonderful to hear your voice. – Finally. Now listen to me carefully, Linda. I have some extremely
important instructions for you to follow. Listen carefully. (giggling) Call my broker right away and have him allocate
my accrued tax statement adjusted income gross annual
percentage rate high yield interest annuity assets
equity ratio balance fund bear market blue chip book
value bond capital gain deductible IRA defined
benefit pension plan depreciation diversification
dividend earnings fiduciary finance charges fixed rate futures growth income portfolio exchange index liability margin
mid-cap mutual fund net worth premium prime rate profit
return revenue rollover S and P securities share split uptick trust yield and deposit it all into my 401-K. Is that understood? Linda? Linda, are you there? Did you get all that? Damn it, hello, hello? Answer me, Linda. (giggling) Hello, Linda are you there? – [Billy] Giles, I got him. – Good work, son. That ought to contaminate
the water supply. – You know, hauling
water across two galaxies and dumping it down on earth is a viable proposition. Capturing and trafficking alien life forms is another ball of string altogether. – What are you getting at? – I’m saying I need to know
what else is down there before I venture into the import business. – Then it’s settled. Prepare to submerge. I’m going under. – Hey, Herengracht, did you sit down on a pencil this morning? – Of course not. Why? – ‘Cause you got lead in your ass. Now, let’s pick up the pace, both of you. – Please, can we rest a bit? At least until this weather passes? – I’m the one made of metal and this guy’s bitching about the rain. – Doctor, we need to reach
that volcano by nightfall if there’s any chance of survival. – But it’s wet and slippery. – And so are my women. I can sense it. – How do you mean? – There is a great
disturbance in the whores. Now, move! – There’s a lot of weird shit down here. – Not sure if I’d would want to drink it. – [Billy] All these fish
go to the bathroom in this. Would you drink your own toilet water? – Not mine or anybody else’s. – Well, that’s what
purification centers are for. I say it’s a go. – [Billy] Great, I’m going
to go take a look over there. – Be careful, Billy. – It’s one of the men. – They’ve arrived. He’s cute. – [Octopus] Excuse me, sir. – Whoa, what the hell is that? – [Octopus] I was just hoping that you could spare some change to help me get something to eat tonight. – Uh, well, sure, here you go. – [Octopus] Thank you,
thank you very much. – You’re welcome. You’re not gonna use that
to buy drugs, are you? – We better get back and
tell Willa they’re here. – She can wait. Ever make it with a guy underwater? – Hey, girls, over here! – [Female] He sees us. Come on, Sexcellsa. How is that? We’re underwater. – We communicate telepathically. – Oh, cool. And how is it that you speak
telepathically in English? – We have to take it from like 7th grade all the way through high school. – Oh. – Sexcellsa, we have to go! – Giles has got to see this! Now, how do I get out of here? – [Wron] We’re getting closer. I smell the sulfur. Unless one of you farted. – [Herengracht] Let’s just not talk until we make it across
this rotted dead log. Okay? – [Pugh] Don’t look down. – [Wron] Shut up. – [Billy] Wow, that looks like my mom. Look, it’s me being born. It’s either a massive Brazil nut or, I’m taking this with me. – Willa – Willa, we’ve seen them, the men, they’re right underneath us. – Fine. That’s just where I like them. Did you get a good look? – At one. He’s totally hot. – Well, this is one job I’ll be able to do with my eyes open. What do we think? Everyone ready for action? – [Billy] They came this
way, over by those rocks. – Welcome, gentlemen, to the glorious land of the sex galaxy. – Fantastic. – I am Willa. These creatures you see before
you have only one ambition, to satisfy your every last desire. Like your cattle on earth, we exist only to service
your sexual needs. We are perpetually ready, constantly willing and extraordinarily able. We do not understand the
meaning of the word no. We can’t even spell it. Now, tell me, which one do you choose? – Would you go with me, Willa? – As you wish. You will not be disappointed. – Go get her, son. Remember everything I taught you. We’ll keep ourselves busy back
here at the old homestead. – Are you ready to have
your mind blown, Billy? – My mind isn’t what I had in mind. – I can feel your desire penetrating me. You must take me now, Billy, all of me. when the waiter brings
out a plate and says, “Careful, this plate is really hot.” – Unlike her, it rarely is. Give it to her good, son. – [Ben] A couple of thrusts for me, kid. – Think he can handle that? – He’ll last about six seconds. – [Billy] Just so you know,
I’ve never done this before. – [Willa] That’s all right. every time you pull up to the door step, the music of her voice
playing about your ears when she says the table grace, the way the sun shines on your soul just knowing you’ll soon
be seeing her again. – [Willa] I’m afraid those
feelings do not exist here. We have no love. Not for men, not for each other,
not even for our children. – [Billy] Willa, that is the
saddest thing I’ve ever heard. – [Willa] Sad? We give and receive sexual pleasure, that is our function. – [Billy] So you’re experiencing this with no emotional feeling
one way or the other? I could be a plank of wood or a cucumber or a hot tube of toothpaste? – Yeah and to you, I’m a sticky hole, a damp sponge with an X cut in the middle. So what? Isn’t that what all the
earth men want in a woman? A little sticky business
to stick their nose in and then it’s on to the
next one down the list? – [Billy] No, some men,
yes but not all of us. – [Willa] Then what do you want, Billy? – [Billy] A thing that doesn’t exist here. I’ve had it all along and didn’t realize. She’s back home now, waiting for me. – [Wron] Just a few more miles. When I catch up to those men, I’m gonna wrap you’s up in seaweed, put some rice on top and slice
you up into little pieces like a fucking California roll. – Captain Pugh, a moment if you please. – Yeah, sure. – Excuse us, I need to
talk to my friend here. What do we do? – I found some uranium. We just need to enrich it. – So what, we buy it a lottery ticket? – You’re the scientist. Put some chemicals together and make us a flare gun. – Oh, Wron? Captian Pugh and I need to
use the little boy’s room. Thanks a lot. – Make it quick. – Now, if I simply separate the isotopes present in the compound, add a few thermal neutrons and folic acid, we should be seeing a rather
explosive reaction in no time. – Nothing happened? What do you mean nothing happened? – We didn’t go all the way. What’s the big deal? – I looked at you as a
protege, Billy, a son. I thought I’d been
teaching you life lessons and now I see you’ve learning nothing. – You’ve taught me a lot, Giles, more than you’ll ever know. – Don’t sweat it kid. You just put more pennies
in the pussy bank. Besides, you’ll get
fucked when you get home. (explosion) – Wowzas, that worked a little
better than I’d hoped for. – The others must have seen it. – What the fuck was that? You guys are dead meat. – You’re hurting me. – If I rewire his radio circuit, I could transmit out to
their communication system. – Hey, that tickles. – SOS, we’re on top of the volcano. Hurry, please save us! – You sons of bitches. – Help, help us, aahh, please help! (yelling) – [Billy] Giles, Big Ben, to the volcano! (rock music) Jump on! – Hey, can I at least
get a ride to the beach? – Hang on to this rope. I’ll hog tie the sucker. – [Pugh] I got it! (yelling) (gunfire) – Ow, that hurts! A wife, a wife, a wife, a
wife, I just wanted a wife. (cheering) – We kicked his ass. That’s right, we bad. – Nice work taking the
nuts out of that robot. A team effort. – What the old song says is true, “it’s hard out here for a pimp.” (laughter) – You got that shit right. – They don’t write
classics like that anymore. (thunder clapping) – [Billy] Storm weather’s coming. – [Herengracht] The
explosion must have triggered a shift in barometric pressure. – [Giles] Let’s high
tail it back to base camp and get off this well lubricated rock. – [Billy] Everybody get packed up and go as quickly as possible. – [Ben] Right. – What’s in these? – [Billy] Porno mags. I rescued them back on space station six. – Nice! Ready to blast off, Herengracht? – [Herengracht] What I
can’t seem to reconcile with this planet is the fact that I never
managed to get laid. – [Giles] Well doctor, perhaps our days of
getting tail are over with and our days of telling
tales are just beginning. – [Herengracht] Fuck you, Grayson. – Rain, it’s beautiful. – [Ben] Millions of gallons of it. – We’ve got about five minutes before this place is under water. Let’s move. – [Pugh] I’ve got the water samples. – [Herengracht] I’ve got the octopus jizz. – You should cut Billy some slack for not going through with it. – I should have done it myself. – [Voicemail] You’ve got one message. – Shit, my wife. – It’s pouring. – [Giles] Ben, I believe Linda’s cheating. – On you? – On her SATs. – [U Go Girl 5000] Call him back, Linda. If you don’t call him right now I swear I will jump in the tub the next time you take a bath. – Giles? It’s me, Linda. I have something to confess. I’m not taking the SATs. I never took them. I only said that because I was too frightened
to tell you the truth. – This is her. Be strong. – Fuck you. Linda? Linda, I don’t know what the
hell you’re trying to prove but I am an astronaut working
in the middle of outer space and I don’t have the
time or the oxygen levels to play foolish games over
the communication system. – I’m done playing games, Giles. I’ve had about enough of your cruelty and your stale, rusty penis that hasn’t worked right in 10 years. You’re about as useful as a wet match at a weenie roast. So here it is, I’ve found someone else, Giles. And you know something? He’s a real man and he
knows how to treat a woman. Giles, I want a divorce! – [Computer] I couldn’t
have said it better. – [U Go Girl 5000] You go girl. – [Giles] Billy, come
on, we must leave now. – Alright, let me just grab this. I found it. The lost idol of Liberthia. Willa, Willa, I’ve recovered the idol. You’re free, free to rule the planet in peace. Do you hear me? Willa? – [Giles] Billy, get your ass in the ship. – [Billy] But I found the idol. – [Giles] I don’t give a shit. Come one. – [Billy] But… (upbeat music) – [Woman] Willa, you
are now the queen again. – Thank you but it would not be if not
for that strange young man. Thank you, Billy. Perhaps one day I too will learn to love. I pray that we all will. (moaning) – [Billy Voiceover] And
so we returned to earth and with us our precious cargo and instructions on where
to go get more of it. Thus water was returned to the planet, filling the lakes, rivers,
gullies and streams, flowing in abundance as it
once had across our lands and into our homes where it could be used for the more important things in life. And the slave boys of the sex planet were brought to earth as well, having finally been freed of
the chains of hopelessness on their native planet. They were relocated to the
Philippines where, ironically, they could only find work as slaves. In the century to come, the boys would rise up and revolt, toppling the governments
of the great nations and sparking a revolution that would end in the
destruction of the world. But that’s another story altogether and it wouldn’t happen
for quite some time. As for me, I went home to Jeannie and within days got married
in a beautiful church wedding. That evening, on the marital bed, we made sweet and passionate
love for the very first time. Even being separated by galaxies and marred by temptation
could not and would not sever the bond created between man and woman, proving once and for all that the strength of
the sanctity of marriage is undoubtedly the most powerful force in our great universe. (dramatic music)

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