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(phone rings) – So, Mr. Hanson, as you know, we have all
prospective employees take a lie detector test
prior to joining our firm. So if you don’t mind, we’re going to begin with a couple of control questions. – Should I be hooked up to something? – With the old system, yes, but with the new Lie Detector 3000, it’s programmed to go off
when it hears you tell a lie. For example, go ahead
and tell an obvious lie. – Grass is blue. (buzzer sounds)
I’m a tall black man. (buzzer sounds)
I’ve never seen Jersey Shore. (buzzer sounds) I love it, I’ve never missed one. – I’ve heard good things. Now go ahead and say
something that is true so we can properly calibrate the machine. – I have a 12 inch penis. – That’s kinda weird.
It should have gone off. – Why? – Because there’s no way you – I have a 12 inch penis. Actually might be 13. (buzzer sounds)
No? I guess it’s 12. – Wait, seriously? (knock on door)
– Hey Mike, you get a chance to email
me those mission statements? – Uh, yeah, I did it last night. (buzzer sounds)
I did it this morning. (buzzer sounds)
Alright, I haven’t even started yet. – Well, Mike, you’re the best. (buzzer sounds)
You suck. I’ll be back at my desk working. (buzzer sounds) I’ll be playing Angry Birds on my phone. – Please state your full name. – Dane Christopher Hanson. – Is it true that you reside at 1444 North Sierra Bonita Avenue? – Yes. Apartment three. – How do you do it, man? – Oh, um, when I moved here,
I went on Westside Rentals. – [Mike] No.
– It’s like 80 dollars. – How do you live with a 12 inch penis? I mean, how’s that even possible? – Okay, uh, I’m getting
a little uncomfortable with this line of questioning.
– [Mike] I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right, I mean,
it’s just that 12 inches. That is like a freaking beef
bus, you know what I’m saying? – Why are, why are you so
concerned about my penis anyhow? I mean, are you gay or something? – What? No. (buzzer sounds)
Hey, nobody loves pussy more than I do. (buzzer sounds)
Alright, I’m a flaming homosexual,
but do me a favor. Don’t tell anybody, because nobody knows. (buzzer sounds)
Everybody knows. – So wait, tell people? – No. Have you ever been
fired from a job before? – No. (buzzer sounds)
Three times. – Have you ever stolen
from an employer before? – No. (buzzer sounds)
Alright. Dammit. – How much would you say
you’ve stolen before? – 100 dollars. (buzzer sounds)
500 dollars. (buzzer sounds)
So much I’ve lost count. (buzzer sounds)
44,793 dollars. – That’s a lot of money, Dane. – Well, I had cancer. (buzzer sounds)
I bought a boat and named it Cancer. – I want to be honest, Dane. This interview is going really well. – Yeah? (buzzer sounds)
– No. This is the worst interview
I’ve ever been a part of. Normally, you’d be gone. However, company policy dictates I ask you one final question. – Okay. – Would you ever have sex with
a man in order to get a job? – No.
(buzzer sounds) Welcome to the firm. (office chatter) (phone rings)

One thought on “Lie Detector | A Short Film by Paul Emerson

  1. Is it me or does this guy look like the guy in the pianist who gets money from szpilman?

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