Talking Stone Film

Film Reviews & Headlines


Hey, I’m Snake Titties from Snakey Montana, and you’re watching Disney Channel. When you are a child, there’s not a whole lot of things that you feel in control of. Your bedtime, your meals, your clothes, your body. Other people are always deciding these things for you, whether it be your parents or God, (and Jesus), and for us elite and superior BuzzFeed quiz fucking, “Which Shrek character are you 90s babies?” Entertainment was also something that often felt out of our control. Because when your small-ass town doesn’t have an active movie theater, and your older sister doesn’t want to drive you to go rent a movie, and some other motherfucker already rented the animated Lord of the Rings movie from the library. (DAMN IT) There wasn’t just a fucking iPad sitting there with Netflix on it that could entertain me for several eternities, but along with a very worn-out VHS tape of A Goofy Movie that we rented from the library and did a thing called “never take it back,” there was something else. Something specifically catered for kids like me that understood what I was going through, and respected my interests and taught me valuable life lessons about and how my grandma might be a witch! A little something called… Or more specifically, Along with CMT country music videos featuring Billy Gilman, Disney Channel Original Movies were the things that me and my sisters got really excited for. The second you saw that kid doing a fat-ass cannon ball into some film reel and that other kid in the background doing a fucking 360 split jump You knew you were about to see some girls pretending to be boys so that they can ride dirt bikes! And Disney tackled so many genres with these DCOMs. What you want, drama? Color of Friendship. BOOM. True Confessions. BOOM. The Jenny Project. BOOM. It’s a movie about a chimp doing sign language. You don’t see that every day. Oh, you want sports? BOOM. Johnny Tsunami. BOOM. Brink. BOOM. Alley Cat Strike. BOOM. Double Teamed. [wait, what] Maybe you gotta call that one something better. You want spooky shit? Well, don’t look under the bed! BOOM. Under Wraps. BOOM. Halloweentown. BOOM. Halloweentown II: Kalabar’s Revenge, BOOM. Halloweentown III AKA Halloweentown High. BOOM. Halloweentown Four, AKA Return to Halloweentown. You want sci-fi? Zedis Lapedis, Margie! How about Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century, or it’s critically acclaimed sequel, Zenon: The Zequel, cause apparently we’re just making up words now. Make sure to subscribe to my second channel, A Disney Channel Original Movie could vary in genre and quality, but there were often some pretty consistent ingredients to be found in all of them. There’s always a kid being misunderstood by their parents, or in the case of Brink’s, Peter, Parrot and Jerry. “I got a mom… and a Jerry. Do the math. That’s one parent.” Yeah, F*** you Jerry! They’re always doing something or experiencing something new, like moving to a different state, going to army school, going to Earth, becoming a leprechaun. There’s always a little love interest, like a cool skateboard kid with a broken arm, or the president’s daughter, or a bi curious dirt bike boy. There’s always a bully, sometimes they kind of look like Michael Jackson. There’s always an asshole dad that doesn’t approve of whatever the kid is doing, and a mom that’s hot as shit, also known as a MILF. Kid overcomes challenge by winning a race, or slowly spinning a bowling ball, or sealing away a vampire, and then they learn a valuable life lesson like “Damn! I need to follow my heart and do what I want to do regardless of what people think of me!” Or “Damn, friendship is way more important than money and fame.” Or “My mommy can’t date a vampire. What are you talking about?” Dad finally comes around and says some shit like “We’re gonna have a big party at our house this afternoon, and everyone is invited!” [ROARING APPLAUSE] Kids dance, give me a freeze-frame on the dirt bikes, thank you. And… scene. But even if a lot of these movies were very similar, some really stood out and dealt with some heavy ass stuff. Like what It’s like to grow up with a brother who has autism, or how you shouldn’t be fucking racist, or how you probably shouldn’t let your house try and be your MOM! This shit was like fucking Black Mirror for kids long before actual Black Mirror. You know how in the movie, they talked to the house and use voice commands to make it do stuff? Hey Alexa, does that sound familiar? If I ever get a Google Home or Alexa, I’m just gonna name the smart house. But a lot of these, in my humble opinion, are quality family films. I mean, there’s a reason I use Horse Sense in the background of like every video I’ve ever made. I cherish this shit. High School Musical is good. And you know it’s good, and you can BET ON the sequel, Zequel, not being as good, but the third one went to theaters and I feel like that’s a sign of growth. I honestly still haven’t seen the third one, so I don’t know, but, new year new me, let’s be optimistic, right? And this isn’t just nostalgia talking, I’m very aware that nostalgia plays a heavy role on this channel, but seriously, F*** that. I was watching Johnny Tsunami last night, by myself, and I was still laughing with the grandpa. “You gotta come back for this. Heeheehee!” But honestly, I don’t know what the fuck Disney is doing now, other than making every dollar known to man cause they own a Marvel and Capcom. Because the next decom that’s coming out that no one fucking asked for is a live-action Kim Possible, which possibly looks like my big toe, but then Drew Gordon remade it, and it won several Golden Globes so, I don’t know blessing in disguise type of meme, or… I’m really tired. And looking at the Wikipedia page for Disney Channel Original Movies made me realize two things: DCOMs gradually reduced in quality and originality over the years for whatever reason, I don’t really know why. And Z, I stopped watching these sometime in 2008 because that’s when High School Musical 2 and Johnny Kapahala: Back on Board both came out and both of them made me want to jump back on a board and ride it off of a dam. And while these early DCOMs were the primary source of entertainment as a kid that I felt were actually catered to me and understood me and gave me an amazing feeling of anticipation and excitement anytime a new one premiered. That’s not just a nostalgic feeling because I still feel that. But it’s for YouTube. Yes, there’s like 10 katrillion Hurricane Katrina amount of issues with the platform right now and my nearly 40 minute video on Red Dead 2 that I worked my ass off on for like two months was copyright claimed for LITERALLY four seconds of George Michael – Careless Whisper playing in the background, which I guess that’s on me, it was – it was copyright claimed and that – all of that really pisses me off but still, This website is amazing. Every new channel that I find is like a hundred Disney Channel Original Movies in one. Watching the premiere of Phantom of the Megaplex is the same feeling I get when a new Content Cop comes out. Halloweentown? That’s just Markiplier playing Five Nights. The Cheetah Girls? That’s just commentary channels cause I feel like they’re all friends with each other. Even my Philly D, beautiful bastard, was just Mike in a Super Short Show. I think you get what I mean. So what’s the point of this video? The point is new year, new me. I’m gonna appreciate the fuck out of things. I’m gonna be happier, I’m gonna finish a bunch of fucking songs, and I’m gonna do things that I’ve been meaning to do for a long time, starting with making a video about Disney Channel Original Movies. So there’s your point. I want to be like a Disney Channel Original Movie. thank you for viewing the captions

100 thoughts on “Disney Channel Original Movies

  1. I doubt you’ll see this Mr Jakey Sir, but I frickin love this YouTube channel. This is exactly how I feel about Disney movies and I love how you express it. Stay frosty my friend

  2. 7:40 When ole Jacob hit me with that sweet ass freeze frame it made me wanna dog bless everyone within a 15 mile radius

  3. Jakey that FF7 music in the background has got me clutching at my chest and wobbling my bottom lip, that's some powerful magic you're throwing around there.

  4. Johnny Tsunami's Grandpa looking like my soul is gonna be his…

    Cuz he's Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movies… get it? getit?

  5. Youtube is a great place
    I was watching guide how to choose a watermelon and then BOOM FUCKING JOHN KRASINSKI TELLING ME ABOUT DISNEY MOOVIES
    P.S.: Great video tho

  6. I don’t feel like those timbs were ever necessary to show to frame other thank flex. It’s okay Jakey, just don’t end up like Asian Jake Paul

  7. Same goes with TV shows, a lot of Disney TV shows are 1, way too young and teaches about dumb plots, all animated. Like we all liked Sweet Life on Deck, iCarly, and a shit ton more. Y? Because it’s interesting, if you know that you made a good show when people still look back on it.

  8. Trying hard to fight these tears
    I'm crazy worried
    Messing with my head this fear
    I'm so sorry
    You know you gotta get it out
    I can't take it
    That's what being friends about
    I, I want to cry
    I can't deny
    Tonight I wanna up and hide
    And get inside
    It isn't right
    I gotta live in my life
    I know I, I know I
    I know I gotta do it
    I know I, I know I
    I know I gotta do it
    Gotta turn the world into your dance floor
    Determinate, determinate
    Push until you can't and then demand more
    Determinate, determinate
    You and me together, we can make it better
    Gotta turn the world into your dance floor
    Determinate, determinate
    Hate to feel this way
    And waste a day
    I gotta get myself on stage
    I shouldn't wait or be afraid
    The chips will fall where they may
    I know I, I know I
    I know…

  9. I still remember that one where the mom of some kids dates a vampire.Than she dates the vampire hunter that was a wierd one

  10. I don’t know how many times I rewatch your videos, but they never get old and I find something new that makes me laugh.

  11. Real talk Jakey, my little brother used to go to sleep every night listening to my physical copy of the FF7 soundtrack that I bought from the back of a Gamepro magazine for $85 in 1998 dollars when I was 14, which is the equivalent of like $48,000 in todays dollars.

    One of my most cherished memories as a young man is walking into my brothers room to wake him up for the morning. I'd always take a moment to look at his sleeping face and feel so much love for him, and this music puts me right back there at that point in my life.

    Right before I'd rip a huge fart in his face for being younger than me. Wake up Matt, I ate your waffles already.

  12. Did you just say that high school musical 2 isnt as good as the first one ?!?! You uncultired swine how dare you disgrace the greatest sequel ever made that gave us the greatest love song of our generation with " I've gotta go my own way"

  13. I think your high school musical 2 so you gotta get it up to high school musical OG or else you ain’t gonna get more subs 😉

  14. I remember that they used to advertise that the movie would start at “8/7 Central” and so being a dumb kid I would ask my dad “can I watch the Disney channel movie at 8/7 central?” Until one day he was like “you don’t need to say the 7 central part it’s on at 8 where we live”

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