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Welcome, Doctor Caldwell
and Doctor Powell. It is an honor. Thank you, Commander. [Dominguez] Why
have you come here?
  That’s quite simple. To end the bloodshed. I am not stupid, doctor. I know you have come to make peace between us and
Gustavo Miraflores. But truly you must
know that so long as air fills our lungs and blood courses through our
veins that there can never be peace
with la beastia, Gustavo Miraflores. Even you, the famous
Doctor Henry Caldwell, the greatest peacemaker
in the world, cannot change that. I believe I can. Is he serious, Doctor Powell? Does your colleague truly
believe what he says? If he does, then he
is either been given abilities by God above,
or he is out of his mind. I… Commander, I have
no divine powers. Peace does not come
from the mediator. No matter how eloquent
or wise he is. Peace comes from
those in conflict. But what if those in conflict do not desire peace? What is to stop me
from cutting off your head and sending
it to Gustavo Miraflores to show him what I
think of your peace? Because that is not
your way, Commander. You desire peace. All those in conflict
desire peace. Whether they realize it or not. Human nature is not to fight. Human nature is
to be in harmony. Eons of evolution
have programmed that into our
minds, our psyches, the DNA of our very
selves, we want to survive. And our chances of survival
are infinitely greater when we work together in harmony rather than when we
work against each other. So what do you say, Commander? Let’s give peace a chance. [Caldwell] Over the
course of my career I have met with fathers and
sons, mothers and daughters, sisters and brothers who refused to call each other family. I have stepped into factories and met with workers
in management and restarted the
fires of industries that had all but burnt out. I have sat between
warring nations and negotiated the turning of swords into plowshares. For the last five
and a half years I have gone over
all these conflicts. From the interpersonal
to the international. And in reviewing
my notes, I have gleamed the universalities. Those elements inherent
in all disagreement. In my new book, I have outlined a 100 day method, drawing upon a variety of
techniques that have proven invaluable
to me throughout the course of my career. Using the Caldwell
Method, any dispute can be resolved in 100 days. Bravo, Henry. I was asking myself
if you’d actually vhave the “courage”
to stand up there and tell us you can
resolve any conflicts. There you are. Remarkable fortitude! Ladies and gentlemen,
my esteemed colleague, well, colleague, Doctor
John-Michael Robertson. Some of you may have heard
of the Robertson technique and its employment in many
ineffective mediations. I myself have been
called in personally to clean up some of
the severe cases, but it’s always
an honor to clean up after you, John-Michael. You know, something I’ve always envied about Henry is that he’s always able to find the
most perfect PR people. They won’t take a no or a
cease and desist for an answer. A team like that could make even the most marginally
talented person look like, well, like a
Doctor Henry Caldwell. My dear dear
John-Michael, it’s not as wonderful as it may seem. I mean there are times
where I envy you. And I wish that my books
sold, well, like yours. Only a few hundred copies. And that I wasn’t in such demand on the lecture circuit. Traveling can be so taxing. The University of Hawaii, the Conflict
Institute of Borneo, the Figi and Resolution Concern. I mean honestly, anonymity must be a blessing. Better to live
honestly and anonymously than dishonestly and, well… Doctor Robertson, I am frankly appalled that a
scholar of your stature would come to these proceedings and cause this
kind of disruption. I’ll ask you kindly to leave. Doctor Powell, I apologize if my appearance here tonight
has caused you distress. In actuality, I came with an opportunity for
Doctor Caldwell. An opportunity to show that his 100 day method is
everything he claims. Would this opportunity
have anything to do with the non-familial
domestic conflict study? Yes indeed. [Caldwell] The roommate study. The roommate study. More specifically,
household Foxtrot One. The six nonsmokers. Correct, Doctor Caldwell. The six nonsmokers. They took everything from me. Thousands of dollars
in grant money, two books deals,
five Grad Assistants. Those students only wanted to be mediators, Henry, that’s
all, to help people! That’s what I told their parents when I tried to
explain why their child had decided to go
into investment banking. In the end, I
could think of only one possible resolution. Burn the whole damn
house to the ground with all them inside until they were one peaceful cinder. I couldn’t crack it, Henry. I’m big enough to stand up here in front of all my esteemed
colleagues and admit it. So I put it to you now. In 100 days, will you
succeed where I failed? Where there is discord,
will you sow harmony? Will you put your reputation as world’s greatest
mediator on the line, and take up the conundrum
of the six nonsmoker? Yes. [Powell] It’s a beautiful
house in Georgetown The owner, Lori
Funnell inherited it and rented out to five others. The rent they’re
paying is just amazing for that area, the
tenants are three male, three female, range of ages. John-Michael thinks that — Stop, stop, stop, I don’t
care what John-Michael thinks. Henry, I know how
you feel about him, but John-Michael’s not an idiot and there’s months
worth of research here. No, no, I wanna go in fresh. I don’t want any
of John-Michael’s bullshit contaminating
my process. Six arguing roommates? I mean this is gonna be
like a luxury cruise. Now get rid of those things. Hi, Lori? [Lori] Yes! I am Doctor Regina Powell, you can call me Regina, and this is Doctor Henry Caldwell. You can call me
Doctor Caldwell. Lori Funnell, Associate
Assistant Director, Omissions and Errors, Internal
Revenue Services GS-10. I’d like to ask
you both to please wipe your feet on the
mat before entering. [Powell] Oh, sure. [Lori] Actually, I would like to ask you to please
wipe them one more time. Okay… [Lori] Yes, use
broad, sweeping strokes making sure your feet
remain in contact with the mat at all times. Wonderful! Now may I… So glad you’re both here! I think we were making
some real headway with Doctor Robertson,
and we’re all just looking forward to
giving it another shot! Oh, we’re very
happy to be here. Shall we? Of course, just as
soon as we go over the house visitor’s agreement. [Lori] I told everyone
to be here by two. I’ll send them a reminder. This is pretty
typical, actually. I’ll tell them
something and it’ll be totally disregarded,
complete lack of respect. You feel entitled to respect. Well it is my house. [Caldwell] You see yourself as the head of the household? Yes. [Powell] So you
make the rules? I do. Do the other members of the household find the rules
to be within reason? No one’s officially
complained, and there is a very
straightforward grievance form they can fill out if anything does bother them. And I made it
available online too. Did you author the
visitor’s agreement? Yes. Guests will be
allowed only one cup or glass at a
time, so as long as the cup or glass
is considered active. A cup or glass will
be considered inactive when it has completed
its use cycle, has been properly
washed and returned to its designated
area in the cupboard. Do you think an
average person might find this policy unreasonable? It’s a perfectly
legitimate request. To cut down on
unnecessary dishwashing and to prevent accidental
bile-transmission. How ofen would
you say that the other members of the household fail to adhere to these rules? Most of the time. [Caldwell] 60%? 74. And what is the
typical response for a violation of house policy? I issue a citation
and then follow that up with a meeting. If that fails to
resolve the issue, I take away privileges
such as bathroom usage, or refridgerator space. Bathroom use is a privilege? [Lori] Absolutely! (faint murmuring)
That’s Stephon. Doctor Caldwell, Regina,
this is Stephon Stiles. Doctor Caldwell, Regina. That’s inappropriate. Flattering, but
just inappropriate. I’m sorry. Why are you late? I came as soon
as I got your text. [Funnell] But you
knew about this! I did? It’s on the master calendar, and I issued a memo to
everyone in the house! Wow, there’s a
master calendar? Sorry, I just get
message, did I miss meeting? Nah, you’re okay, brother. Oh thanks God, I, on behalf of the people of Sancto Morini, I offer my hardfelt apologises. Heartfelt. Sorry, heartfelt apologises. Almost. Regina, Doctor
Caldwell, Ilbercto Zima. Ambassador for Sancto Morini. [Powell] Ambassador? Yes, and also minister. And also counselor, and
also first secretary, and also second and third. Yeah, yeah, he’s
the entire staff. It’s a small country. Yes, very small, sorry
I didn’t get message. Sancto Morini Cellulario
is a little small, you send message
here, first it go to call station
in Sancto Morini, and my brother, he
call, tell me message. He is President of
Sancto Morini Cellulario. Actually, his brother is
Sancto Morini Cellulario. It’s a small company. Yes, very small. Good to meet you. It’s the way they
do it over there. It’s not gay, it’s
just European. Ambassador, I don’t
want to disrespect your customs or anything,
but I don’t think that… Okay. First one time
our greeting for women very passionate,
but the men of Sancto Morini very jealous, so jealous that we were down to only 18 adult males because of so many fighting to the death. So handshake is official
greeting for women. Did you guys
start the meeting? I was totally unaware
of this happening today. Lucky I had some cancellations. Apparently it’s on
the master calendar. There’s a calendar? It was surprise to me as well. I issued a memo! I only read the ones marked urgent, third notice. [Funnell] You
know, I have these practices in place for a reason! Yeah yeah yeah, I’m sorry. Hi, I’m Evelyn Clymer,
sorry for being late. [Vivian] Blessings be
upon you, straw mistress! Good ‘morrow to thee,
may the trappings of these modest walls bring thee peace and soundness of mind. [Funnell] Vivian’s
here, so we’re just waiting on Coleman. Okay, well since we’re
just waiting on one person, how about we get started with
our first initial session? Doctor Caldwell? Thank you, Doctor Powell. How many of you here
are human beings? Congratulations! You are a marvel of evolution. The ability to walk
upright, opposable thumbs, The ability to walk
upright, opposable thumbs, not only allowed us to survive,
but to thrive, to prosper. To flourish. No other species on
the face of the Earth has developed more tools
to ensure survival. One of these tools is
the ability to listen. Not just to hear,
but to comprehend. Listening is the foundation
of understanding. Understanding is the
keystone to harmony. So what we’re
gonna be doing here for the next 100 days is
learning how to listen. Learning how to understand. Learning how to harmonize. – I already know how to do that. Bercto, give me a note. Uh, different note. Okay, hold that, hold that. See, that’s harmony, har-mo-ny. Good job, Bercto. Yes it is,
excellent, and we’re gonna build on that
musical harmony to create harmony
between people. Whoa, whoa, Doc, that
was harmony between people. Unless you’re saying that Bercto here is not a person,
and then that’s some very racist crap, now — No no, Stephon, music is
just one type of harmony. What we’re gonna
be learning to do here over the next 100 days is how to create
beautiful music in life. Just as Presidente Miraflores and the Shining
Star Guerrillas did. [Coleman] Horseshits! (mumble) the rabbit
is out of the hat. I repeat, the rabbit
is out of the hat. Coleman, how long have
you been hiding there? Not hiding, I’ve
been lying in wait. I’ve been lying in
wait since 0400 hours. I’ve been gathering information for the past 12.4
minutes depending on whether or not I needed
to call in a rinse cycle. What’s a rinse cycle? Hammer and fist blow
to the nape of the necks, death instantaneous. Claw grip to the throat,
crush the trachea, death in three to six seconds. Nape, trachea, trachea. I’ll save the snake
oil salesman for last. I wanna take my time with that. I think a quick death
would be too good for you, a charlatan of your caliber. It needs to be long
and excruciating. Like your Nobel
acceptance speech. It’s gonna involve a wet suit and a Malapterurus Electricus. It’s commonly known as
an electric catfish. Inserted in the posterior. You’re cute, yeah. Think I’ll just keep my options open, see where that
goes, but just in case, hand or fist nape,
instantaneous. Excellent, would you
care to take a seat? I’ll stand actually. Very good then. Well since we’re
all here, what I’d like to do is administer
an evaluation. The Subaru Caldwell
Test was developed by the late Doctor
Maximilian Subaru and myself. It has proven to be
the most effective predictor of conflict
between individuals. By assessing a carefully derived number of inner-personal
and interpersonal factors. If you were to choose a
random group of people, anywhere in the
Earth, this test will predict the probability
of disagreement, the frequency of disagreement, and the intensity
of disagreement. It is the gold
standard of assessment in the field of mediation. So we’ll take the evaluation
today, just as a baseline, and then we’ll take the
evaluation again in 100 days just to confirm a
clean bill of health. [Powell] Henry,
this is not good! They scored off the charts on the Subaru Caldwell, and are three full standard deviations above the Bloods and the Crips! The only thing these people have in common is that
they all don’t smoke. I’m not sure traditional methods are going to be successful. Well I suppose it’s good that we’re not using
traditional methods. We’re using the Caldwell method. (unison) In one word, how
would you describe yourself? How many words does one
mean in this scenario? Stephon Stiles, one word, baby. Morgluco. I don’t know how you
say it in English. Come, you spirits,
attend our mortal thoughts, unsex me here and fill me from
  the crown to the toe top full of direst cruelty! I can’t articulate
it verbally. I could do it
physically, but you’d have to take your shirt off. One word. It’s (mumble) in here. I’m gonna say
the name of another member of the household. I want you to express your feelings about that person freely and honestly. Lori. (speaking German) Stick up the ass! I mean like all the way up! I mean all the way up! Beautiful, beautiful flower. With many painful thorns that dig into the flesh and
rip it from the bones. Do you enough
the rigid protocols and structure of your job? [Lori] Yes. I know there are a lot
of people out there who think the IRS
is just a bunch of pencil pushing
busybodies, but I have a much different perspective. Order is humanity’s answer to the chaos of nature. Systems and rules are the
foundations of civilization, without them we’re just animals foraging around for food. The IRS represents the
pinnacle of human evolution. And you arrived
at this conclusion based on years of study
and careful reflection? Yes. [Caldwell] Not out of
some obsessive compulsion to drive you to
this type of work. No. Oh! Stephon. An archer of tunes whose
quiver hath but one shot. He actually puts
singer/songwriter down on his tax
return every year. Girl, you’re my baby,
my woman, my girl. That’s it, one song. You could call him
a one hit wonder, but he’s one hit short of that. That’s really nice packaging. Thanks, yeah,
I did the artwork and photography myself. You know, Randy
Jackson heard my track. He said, “It’s not bad, dawg.” Really?! The American Idol guy? [Stephon] Yeah, Randy J. Randy J, that’s what I call him. Did you do Idol? Oh no no no no no, that’s
for the young artists, not for established
artists like myself. No, I met Randy J back when he was touring with Journey. Yeah, we were
sitting in the back of a limo at 3 a.m.
looking for an IHOP. The man was into some
pancakes back in the day. Journey, that
was 20 years ago? Seems like yesterday though. So this song is 20 years old? Oh, the original version. This is the new version
featuring Deyonce. Oh, Beyonce. No, Deyonce,with a D, as
in, “Das not bad, dawg!” Would you like a copy? Ilbercto. I don’t think a bedroom should double as an Embassy. That’s just me. Vulnerable. Particularly around the jugular. I don’t really have
an opinion on Ilbercto. I mean he’s so
utterly worthless, what’s the point of
even having an opinion? Sancto Morini is
very small country, we have only 6,462 population. My sister has twins last year. Very handsome boys,
large private parts. How many Sancto Morinians are living in the United States? Six, the Colasco family
of Tucson, Arizona, and Marzeco Puca and Diego Molco in Massachusetts, and
between you and me, I think that I’m here
for big gay wedding. Is that illegal
in Sancto Morini? Yes, but not because we have problem with gay boys. Because Sancto
Morini already has few men left, we need
all sperm we can spare. I send home my
sample every month. Unfortunately they have
to keep sperm in freezer, we do not have
yet doctor who can make baby out of
sperm and egg in dish. Vivian. Her resident
reports are always written in verse. Thee, thy, thou,
speak English already. She puts on her
bra and panties before she dries her hair. What the hell is that? The lady doth protest
too much, methinks. Hamlet. That’s wonderful. Vivian, you clearly have
an affinity for the Bard. That’s one that I share as well. I took three semesters of
Shakespeare as an undergrad. But I wonder if I may talk to you in your own words. Poseth thy queries and
hath thine answer shall be. Okay, that’s not happening. On a scale from one
to ten, one being the lowest and ten
being the highest, how would you rate your relationship with
your housemates? This is thy sheath! Ugh! There, rust, and let me die! Coldman. Doer of evil deeds! A villian spawn from
Lucifer’s own infernal loins! I swear that
dude’s watching me. [Caldwell] According
to the Subaru Caldwell, you’re a CIA agent. Semi-retired. I’ve been called
up to keep an eye on the Sancto
Morinian Ambassador who besides being his country’s entire diplomatic contingent is also his country’s
entire spy network. Coleman, don’t take
this the wrong way, but I find it very unlikely that you could be a CIA agent. Semi-retired or otherwise. Could be or would be? Tell me the difference. Well could be is a
matter of capability. Would be is a matter
of personality. So either you’re
insulting my intelligence or my character, and
I’d like to know which. Evelyn. A purveyor of
pleasure posing as pain. It’s real difficult
to get into my flow… When she’s “entertaining.” I don’t think bedroom
should be used like that. That is just me. [Powell] I
understand that you’re a literary agent
and your housemates have a problem with this? [Evelyn] I was
a literary agent. I roped a few best
selling authors. Bunch of talentless
hacks, but they wrote crap that could sell. Eventually I got
tired of dealing with the egos and
the asinine material they were pumping out. [Powell] And what
is it that you do now? Domination. Domination? [Vivian] Yeah, I’m
not pulling your chain. (laughing) little
dominatrix humor there. And how is it that you got into this field? [Vivian] Well I took some time and looked into
different lines of work. I like being my own boss, I like making my own
schedule, I was looking for something with less B.S. and fewer headaches. Domination offered
all of those things. Plus I never have
to do housework. And the sex
doesn’t bother you? Sex? No sex, it’s a
common misconception that domination
inevitably involves sex. And it certainly can,
but the key element is submission. Some people just like to be shat on, figuratively speaking. I don’t do any of
that stuff either. I had to put my foot
down about that once. I had this one
client, and she used to ask me to stand over — [Powell] I’m sorry, she? Oh, sure, I got a
number of women clients. Really? Coleman, is that your
first name or your last name? Yes. Okay. Coleman, I’m afraid that we may have gotten off on
the wrong foot here. Am I correct in saying that I detect a little hostility? Was it my threat
to break your neck with my bare hands
slowly and painfully that makes you say that? Well partly. That and some of
your body language like the arm crossing. Coleman, I want you to know that I’m not on
anyone’s side here. My position is purely neutral. I don’t make judgments
about people’s behavior. Past or present. So if I were to grab you, pummel you, throw
you to the ground, and use your mouth
as a urinal… You wouldn’t judge me for that? No. Not even if you enjoyed it? No. That’s admirable. So you think we can get a fresh beginning on this? Boy Toy to Cougar, moving
in to check the diaper. Coleman, I’m not judging, but this behavior is not
conducive to the process. Now you can act like you’re Jesus Christ if you want
to, but I know the score! You won that Nobel Peace Prize for sorting out
a bunch of rebels who had no shot at winning and a President who had no
clue how to shut ’em down! There was no fight to fix because we’ve been keeping it under control for
20 years, and then you stick your
over-educated nose in and get in on a bunch
of magazine covers. You got called a peace maker when it should have
been peace faker! Now I know when you met Commandante Dominguez your pants were full of shit! Boy Toy to Cougar,
the diaper is clean. I think he drugged me. Who? That lunatic Coleman. Look at my pupils,
do they look dilated? Not that I can tell, are
you sure he drugged you? I’m like 60, 65%
certain, there’s ten minutes I can’t account for. And just before it happened he threatened to
urinate in my mouth. Now I can’t be certain,
but I think I taste it. How horrid, how do
you think he did it? Did he put it in your drink? I have no idea! What do we do? Well could you take
me to the hospital, let’s call it a day. [Powell] Okay, sure. Aside from that,
everything else good? [Caldwell] Oh yeah, sure. Stage one, identification. What’s your assessment
of week one? Uh, what’s your assessment? Let’s come back to that. Stage two, declaration. In the Subaru
Caldwell, everyone had the opportunity to anonymously air their grievances
with the other tenants. In non-familial
domestic situations, the average number
of unique complaints against another member
of the household is 11. With this case, the average number of complaints is 146. And they range in severity from the trivial to what in 50
states would be a felony. Should we pull
John-Michael’s file on it? They might be useful. No, no, are you still
hanging onto those things? I don’t wanna know anything that John-Michael had
to say about this case! I don’t care if he found out that Coleman is
from Mars and he’s here to enslave half
humanity and use the other half to power
his hybrid space saucer. If I learn something
about Coleman it’s because I derived
it, not John-Michael. Okay, I just thought
they’d be helpful. So what’s next? I’ve decided that
we’ll split up. We’ll each take a group of three and work on rebuilding trust. And Coleman? Is in your group. You’ve all taken
a look at yourselves and had the chance to tell us what you thought of each other. Now we’re going to
explore these two ideas and as we do you’re going to listen to one another,
respect one another, as we come together. Why have I been
paired with these two? There’s no specific reason, the groupings were random. There’s no such
thing as random. If I’ve been paid
with them, there’s obviously a reason. Coleman, don’t overreact, if she says there’s no
reason, there’s no reason! You’re not on the clock
right now, whips and chains. Daddy is just trying to
make a point here, okay? Wait a minute, it
was those pictures of Vivi in the
shower, wasn’t it? You said those question
things were anonymous! I mean… Thou saidest the — She wants to be an actress. I got her tons of
free publicity. They were eating those
pics up on the net. The way I see it,
if I set a place at the table for you,
and you don’t wanna eat, well then that’s just
a lack of gratitude. Look, I assure
you the groupings had nothing to do with how
you answered the assessments. You have been grouped based on how you answered
the assessments. Now the three of
you showed a very high degree of
interpersonal difficulty. I wanted to address that
in this breakout session. So I’m gonna turn
it over to you. Speak freely. I don’t think we have problem. Nope. We cool, man. Now that’s
understandable, I know that this is
uncomfortable for you. But I want you to speak freely. And remember that this,
this is a respect zone. And a judgment free zone. So speak up, speak your mind. No one here will think
any differently of you. If there is problems with me, I sorry, I’m just piece of trash under fat ugly man
shoe, I am like what happens when
you flush toilet and something comes
back, very annoying. Come on, don’t beat
yourself up, brother. I deserve to be
beaten, I am like stepchild who has red hair and is also prostitute — Can you believe this is what Sancto Morini has
representing it? Out of an entire country, this is the best they could do. Does it make you just
itch to go visit? Come on, don’t do that. Don’t do what? [Stephon] He already
beats himself up enough, okay, he doesn’t need that. So you guys are
best friends now? No, but he also
doesn’t deserve to be treated like that either. Isn’t there some empty bar
you should be singing in? So it’s like that now, huh? If that’s the way you like it. Stephon, what are you doing? Oh my God, that’s… Stop fighting, please! Okay, let’s try
some exercises. Vivian, are you all right?! She may be faking it, any opportunity for a death scene. [Powell] Well how do you know she’s faking it, Vivian? I have this
little trick, I can tell when she’s acting or not. [Powell] What is it? [Coleman] She’s acting. Well that was a
shining success. Coleman, you missed the entire point of the exercise. This is a trust
fall, how is Vivian supposed to trust you now? I get the point
of the exercise. Look, she has absolutely
no reason to trust me, so I have absolutely
no reason to catch her. The way I see it, she’s gonna get screwed by a lot of
men in her lifetime, right? So my not catching
her is probably one of the best lessions
she’ll ever get. I hate to admit it, but
he makes a good point. [Ilbercto] Okay, yes, keep… Yes, move, yes,
walk, yes, hold on! Sorry, turn esquerda. No, I mean right,
no I mean left! (thud)
– Oh my God! Uh, which way is
left in your language? Esquerda. Fine, esquerda,
and what’s right? Didico. Okay, so which
way is right now? No, not right now, turn left. Okay, so turn left. Okay, now go
forward two meters. No, sorry, oh in Sancto Morini two meters shorter
than rest of world. Sorry. [Caldwell] The six
of you are on board a charted plane that has just crash landed on a desert island. You all have an inventory of the items that were aboard the plane You will be allowed to take only three items with you
ensure your survival. I will ask you to
each make a list of those three items and explain why you chose them. That will give us
a list of 18 items and then later as
a team we’ll widdle that number down to 12. We crash landed. Yes. Then most of us,
if not everyone but myself are dead. It’s hypothetical. It’s not relevant
to the discussion. Sure it’s irrelevant,
but if you got two survivors,
then your needs are different than if there’s six. We’re assuming that
all six of you survived. Highly unlikely, the
pilot is still alive too? There is no pilot. Who flew the plane? You were shipwrecked. Oh, then why do we
only get 12 items? Coleman, for the love of God, will you shut it off
for ten minutes?! All right. But let me just ask this. How many of you here have ever survived a shipwreck? That’s what I thought. The pencil and
paper are for writing, creation of schedules,
delegation of duties, etc. And then I chose
the ruler so I could make straight,
evenly spaced lines. Very good, everyone take note. I think that’s a good answer. [Caldwell] Vivian? Oh, I chose Hamlet
which is self explanatory. Then I went with Romeo and
Juliet and Richard III. I was a little
disappointed that King Lear wasn’t on the list because I would have chosen
that over Richard III. Yeah, we should have
revised this list. I know, it’s a pretty
embarrassing omission. Coleman? [Coleman] Knife,
hatchet, rope. Well those are certainly
practical choices. How might you use those items? It’s less about
how I would use them than how they might. See once the hunger starts to get to everyone, they’re gonna be looking to eat each other and I don’t want them armed. But incidentally, when
we get to that point then I’d go for
Vivi, she’s young and lean and she probably
had all her shots. But the knife,
hatchet, rope, I could probably use that to
make a one person craft and just slip out when
none of them notice. That’s how I did
it the last time. Henry. Henry, are you all right? Yes, yes, what do we have
scheduled for tomorrow? We have the plane, I
mean shipwreck exercise. No no, that’s okay, I think we got everything
we need from that. Okay. Henry, what if we went
off book a little bit? I mean I’m not doubting
the method or anything, but this is a
unique circumstance, it might behoove
us to be flexible. No no, this is how
it works sometimes. It doesn’t seem like
anything is happening and then a breakthrough
come out of nowhere. I don’t wanna
suddenly change gears. Okay. [Olga] Doctor Robertson,
you can’t go in there! [Robertson] Doctor
Powell, Doctor Caldwell, good evening. I’m sorry, Doctor Caldwell, I told him you weren’t
seeing anyone today. [Caldwell] Oh
that’s okay, Olga. Doctor Robertson is very adept at finding some way
to insert himself. Olga, is there any coffee left? Yes. Ah! [Caldwell] Dump it out please. Yes, Doctor Caldwell. Would you like to take a seat? Thank you, Henry. Grad Students. Couldn’t take a piss without me telling them when to go. Well Pilsner University has relaxed its admission
requirements. (chuckles)
Speaking of relaxed, how are things at the house? What’s today, day 43? I imagine you’ve made
some great progress. Phenomenal progress! In fact, we’re
ahead of schedule! We’ve been doing a number of trust exercises and they
responded fabulously. Really, because
I took the liberty of arranging a press
conference for day 100. Nothing extravagant,
just a few people from some prominent
academic journals, three or four people
from national magazines, and a few foreign
newspapers, but if you’re ahead of schedule,
maybe you could administer the
Subaru/Caldwell now and I could bump up the date. No no no, day 100 is good. Wouldn’t wanna mess with that, it is the 100 day
method after all and that’s what
people are expecting. A press conference, huh? Why wait, right? Why indeed. Why, why, why. Nothing we didn’t
already know. Wait a minute… One, two, three, five? Who would even have access to… Coleman, I’m breaking all kinds of protocol meeting
with you like this, but I wanted to speak
to you individually because I — It’s because you
wanna sleep with me. No. Okay, now that,
that was a look of confusion, not
disgust, that’s pretty much a wide
open door really. No, no door, I’m not
here to sleep with you. But you could have
come in here for that. I could have come
in here for anything. Oooh, kinky girl. Look, I did not come
here to sleep with you, that’s just, that’s not gonna happen, so end of story. Good. Because this could
have been awkward. I saw John-Michael’s
file on you, or rather what you did to
John-Michael’s file on you. And I also noticed
a bunch of files that were unaccounted for. Is there another
word for file? Because you just used
it a million times. What did you do
with the other files? [Coleman] Nothing. I cleaned mine out as
a matter of course. The rest of it, I
left it as I found it. After I read through it. You read John-Michael’s files? Sure. Except the missing one. So how well do you
know your roommates? I know these people better
than they know themselves. [Powell] Really? Where did Evelyn go to college? Bailey College, Oxford,
she studied classics. What was the name
of Stephon’s ex-wife? Cynthia Browning, they met as backup singers
for Rick James. How old was Vivian when she memorized her first play? Five. And it was As You Like It, not Twelfth Night
like the file says. How about we exchange notes. I’ll tell you what I know and… You can fill in the blanks. All right. Great, let’s
start with Stephon. He’s been a singer/songwriter
for 20 years. Thank you thank you thank you, that was Girl, You’re My Baby, My Woman, My Girl, you people are very very sexy
tonight, a lot of sexy people in here, hey, did you all like that? Check it out, CD’s
are for sale, brother, so go and get that. Hey, I liked it, so I
wanna hear it again, huh? Yeah, let’s do that again! He’s only for the one song, but he does all
right for himself. Trouble is, they think he’s doing a comedy routine. They think he’s playing a loser musician who
only has one song. I mean he gets a
lot of work from it, but he doesn’t realize
they’re laughing at him. It’s just awful. [Coleman] I mean not
awful like starving child in a third world country awful, but awful relative
to, say, Bill Gates stubbing his toe awful? Sure. Moving on, Ilbercto Zima. (speaking foreign language) [Powell] The country
of Sancto Morini was founded by a group
of Roman soldiers who plead their
allegiance somewhere between now what’s
modern Spain and France. [Coleman] They’ve had a
couple of the local girls when the country was started. Thing is, Sancto Morini
was founded by cowards. [Powell] I don’t know
if I’d say it like that, but they do have a
reputation for surrendering. [Coleman] Laid down
during every major European conflict,
they were conquered 44 different times, 30
times they were liberated, the other 14 the conquerors
weren’t interested in hanging onto the country. Sieg heil! Until 1956, the national
flag of Sancto Morini was a white field
on a white field. Then they realized how
embarrassing that was. They decided to put the
national animal on it, a mouse. So that’s why Ambassador
Zima is totally spineless. It’s his national heritage. Which is something I
just can’t figure out. If he’s so harmless, why are you supposed to be
keeping tabs on him? Intelligentica
Centrali consists of six individuals. That makes it, per capita, the largest intelligence
agency in the world. You think the United
States of America is really gonna sleep on a
security threat like that? Several days ago,
Zima was actually searching nuclear
reactors on Wikipedia. I don’t think I have to
connect the dots for you. Uh huh, next, Lori Funnell. Lori’s a bit on the OCD
side of the spectrum. A bit controlling,
nothing too serious. But there’s some tension between Ilbercto, Stephon, and Lori. Oh it’s because Lori
slept with Stephon and broke Zima’s heart. Wow, that wasn’t in the file. No no, it was my own
independent research. Anyway, Lori and Zima have this thing for each other. Whenever you’d see them together they’d have these stupid
grins in their faces, really made you wanna vomit. So Lori would leave
her same bullshit notes under Zima’s door, oh
he was totally into it, he loved the attention. That’s so sweet. Whatever, look, the problem is that Lori is too uptight and Zima is too chickenshit, so nobody would ever
make the first move. Fast forward, December. Lori goes to the
IRS Christmas Party. She gets completely lit up. Completely. When she’s dropped off at
home that night, she’s… Feeling a little amorous. And she finally have the courage to approach Zima. Even blind drunk,
Lori still adheres to protocol and submits a formal request for sex to Zima. Unfortunately she’s
so drunk she can’t slide the note under the door. Stephon finds it and he’s not about to pass up some IR Ass. Lori? Too drunk to know
the difference. So Zima gets to hear the sounds of their sweet lovemaking over the sound of his own sobbing. Zima felt betrayed. All that warm fuzzy
stuff went away. Lori knew that he
knew, but she hated that he didn’t have the stones to say something about it. Poor Ilbercto. Nah, he’s just the
latest in a long line of invertebrate
Sancto Morinians. But he’s a Latin man. Somewhere inside
there’s just that passion waiting to be released. He just needs a little push. Let’s talk about Evelyn. Wanna know what
she’s like in the sack? No, no, let’s… Let’s talk about her business. I understand that Evelyn is
quite good at what she does. She may be the best actually. Congressmen,
Senators, movie stars, athletes, foreign
dignitaries, you name it, Lady E has it. And everybody comes
back for seconds. [Powell] Impressive, but she misses the books, doesn’t she? [Coleman] Yeah. She’d give up the
S&M in a minute if she found the right author. But she’s still looking. So I showed her my draft from my time undercover as an Afghani goat trying to
bring down Al-Qaeda. She wasn’t interested. Okay, she may know spanking, but she wouldn’t
know a good book if it hit her in the ass. So that just leaves one. Okay, well what do
you wanna know about me? Wanna read my book? Actually, I was
talking about Vivian. Oh. Okay. [Powell] By the
time she was 10, Vivian Van Duzen had read all of Shakespeare’s major plays and a few of the minor ones. She became a little
bit of a celebrity. They called her the
Shakespeare Wiz Kid. Whether ’tis
nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune… Everybody thought she was destined to be a great
Shakespearean actress. But when her big moment came…
  She choked. (dramatic music)
She’s taken Theater 110 for the eighth semester in a row and she does her little
thing around the house. [Powell] But she
hasn’t auditioned for another play since. That’s so sad. So you wanna get a
burger or something before we start
talking about me? I think I have everything I need to know about you. You haven’t seen
my dark side yet. How about I take
your manuscript and give it a read? Seriously? Absolutely. All right, look, now
I know at the beginning it seems to drag
just a little bit, but stay with it,
see, I’m trying to create this
atmosphere, now it does start to pick up around
page, I don’t know, 134? [Powell] I’ll give you
notes, how about that? Yeah, awesome. Now I need help with
a few other things. From here on out you will listen to Regina and take her advice on how to proceed. Is that clear? Yes. Is that clear?! Yes! Day 52. To be brutally honest, we’re slightly behind schedule. By approximately 10 to 50 days. However, I don’t
wanna make light of the lateral progress
that we’ve made. Which is significant. I feel as if we’re on the cusp of something major,
and when that happens, we’re gonna get
caught up in a hurry. So to that end, I’m
gonna turn things over to Doctor Powell who has a fresh perspective and a unique exercise that I think
we’ll all enjoy. Is that okay with everyone? Okay, good, good. Doctor Powell. Thank you, Doctor Caldwell. As we have said before, harmony is based on understanding. Never judge a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes,
that’s understanding. We’ve evolved to go
beyond our own feelings and to empathize with others, to see another
person’s perspective. And that’s what this
exercise is all about. But before you try getting into each other’s minds, you’re going to get into some minds that haven’t become
overly complicated. You’re going to walk a
mile in some small shoes. You’re going — Are we gonna be
working with children? That’s what I was
getting to, yeah. Children cannot
adhere to an agenda! My mother had six. I hated five of them. I have two too many already. Children, green in
judgment, cold in blood! In Sancto Morini, men not allowed in same room as child unless until they were 21 years! I don’t trust them. I don’t trust anything
that can pull a trigger. Oh my God, hey,
listen, dimwits! You’re 50 days behind
on this program! Which is just embarrassing! We’ve had more results with the Black Panthers and
the Aryan Brotherhood than we have with you! Now each of you is going to be assigned an adorable,
precious child. And you’re going to stop your bullshit long enough to assist these little angels
in accomplishing their
respective tasks. Everything you need to
know is in these files. Oh, and we only
have five children, so you two are sharing. T-minus 48 days, folks. Andria. Prepare school spirit
speech for assembly? Bobby. Write a fight song for
the school basketball team. Marjorie. Write a report on
someone you admire? Thaddeus. Come up with a
fundraiser for dance club. Katie, Flower Buddy, (mumble)! So what are you doing, sprout? Earning my emergency
preparedness badge. Oh, emergency preparedness. All right. Your mommy and daddy have been captured by Marxist
paramilitaries. Your mommy’s being used
as a bargaining chip to release Corp prisoners. And your daddy’s probably already been neutralized, so… What do you do? Who’s Marcus? And that’s why I think
that Rivers Elementary is the best school in the world. Okay… I thought that was a little… And it should be more… You know? No. Okay, I guess
what I mean to say is that it was a little… Hubja hubja hubja. And it should be more like… Hubada dibade deedeeda! Got it? Yes? Okay good, good, let’s
try it again like that. Make him stop. Little boy, stop dancing. I say stop dancing. Little boy, stop… Little boy, stop moving! I am all out of idea. There’s not even any music. So you ever write
a song before? You sing? So why did they choose you to write a fight song? Okay, hold up, I
have a couple ideas. So tell me what you think. That’s hot, right? Arrrgh! Hey, no touching, no looking, you look at me or your books,
nothing else, is that clear? Yes. Good, because otherwise I’ll have to put a pair
of blinders on you. And don’t think I
don’t have them. Who’s the subject of your paper? My mom! What does your mom do? She picks me up from school, she does the laundry,
she makes my lunch, she watches the baby — [Evelyn] Okay, I don’t
mean to cut you off here, but your mom doesn’t sound
like anything special. No disrespect
intended, I totally respect the mommy track if that’s the way a
woman decides to go, but you have to admit
it’s not totally original. Let’s think of
some other people. Considering we live
in a post 9/11 world, I gotta tell you, this is
really pretty embarrassing. What was your name again? Katie. Oh yeah, I’m gonna need you to wear a name tag from now on ’cause I’m never
gonna remember that. It doesn’t need to
be anything fancy, just masking tape,
write it on it or you can scribble
it right across your forehead with
a magic marker. Otherwise, it’s just
gonna be hey you. So anyway, back to this. If I were a Flower
Girl, I would be writing the Managing
Director because he clearly does not care about your safety and well being. Or she. Is it a woman? Yeah, I bet it’s a woman. Would explain a lot. [Powell] Chamomile. Nah, nah. I crushed a Xanax in it. It’s 23 days ’till
the press conference. Don’t think about it! Don’t let John-Michael
dictate our process. Don’t tighten up. Please, don’t even
speak that name. [Powell] I’m sorry. How is the kid exercise going? Good, I’m seeing a
lot of positive results. Oh yeah? Name two. I’m seeing a lot of potential for positive results. Those poor children. [Powell] It’s
gonna be fine, Henry. I can see the
journal headlines now. “Caldwell, et al, Destroy
Children’s Lives.” Henry, it’s gonna be okay. I can’t believe
that I agreed to this. [Powell] We had to step
outside the box a little bit. Outside the box? Outside the box?! We left a child in the care
of that sociopath Coleman! He’ll probably turn
her into beef jerkey or some heartless,
robotic killing machine. Ow, what was that for?! For thinking those
horrible things. [Powell] I’m in total
agreement with her. Drink your tea. The kids will be fine. I’ll see to it. Okay? So did you like that? You didn’t like any of those? You watch American Idol? So you know who
Randy Jackson is. Well Randy Jackson
liked it, and you don’t? Well I have nothing
else for you. Okay, that’s all
I have, so you’re gonna have the quietest
fight song ever ’cause it’s gonna have
no lyrics and no music. [Powell] Can I chime in here? You could try writing
a different song. Different how? I mean your song,
it’s really great and everything,
I just think that maybe you and Bobby here could try writing something
with different notes and lyrics and such. You wanna do that? All right, if that’s
what you wanna do, then that’s what we’ll do. But my boy Randy
wouldn’t like this. (speaking softly)
Rivers Elementary is the best school in the world. It has the smartest students and the nicest teachers, we have a baseball team, a soccer team, and a basketball team. We also have band. Andrea, sweetie, let me just stop you there for
a minute, okay? Vivian, what did
you think of that? I mean… I thought it was… (speaking gibberish) I don’t know what that means. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it could have
been a little more… (speaking gibberish) Okay, how about we try this. How would you have
done it better? I mean, like, I… Andrea, would you like Vivian to show you how she does it? Yes. Okay, then why
don’t you go show her how to do it, so sweetie,
come sit next to me. And then… I’ll hold onto that though. I mean you have it
memorized by now and surely this is cake compared to Shakespeare, you know? So just, you’re gonna rip it. Here, come sit here. (whispers) You
don’t wanna do that. Trust me, it’s gonna
get much better, okay? Rivers… Rivers… Elementary. – Elementary
– Is… – Is…
– [Powell] The… The… Best… Best… – School…
– School… – In…
– In… – The…
– The world. That’s right, right? Mother Teresa,
Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela,
Martin Luther King, all great choices,
excellent choices. Excellent, conventional,
predictable choices. I’ll bet there’ll be at least two reports on each
of these people. I mean I would have
thought Madonna would have been
pretty out there, but at least it would have
been something different. Don’t mind the Congressman. I’ve seen him on TV. They like to be on TV a lot. This one’s trying
to win my vote. This is Democracy in
action, little lady. Are your parents
registered voters? Those cabinets aren’t
dusting themselves! Yes, Lady E. Marjorie, do you like Evelyn? Yeah, she wears
shoes like our couch. Would you like to write
your paper on Evelyn? That would
definitely be original, but even crazier than Madonna. Marjorie, did you know that Evelyn used to
work with authors? You mean like an agent? Yeah! What’d you take,
10 or 15 percent? Sweetheart, please, 20. Cool, I wanna write about you. Really?! You used to be
a literary agent? Who said you could talk?! He don’t stop,
we ask him to stop but he don’t stop! I don’t understand where the energy comes from. He hasn’t wanted anything to eat or drink for hours. So this was the
solution you came up with? Well we tried
putting a sedative in some punch, but again,
no eating or drinking. In Sancto Morini,
we would have Priest perform exorcism and send the child to France. I take it there’s
been no movement on the fundraising
objective then. Oh no, we have a lot of ideas. We came up with some
excellent plans, ran a feasibility study,
held a focus group… What did you conclude? We concluded that a
telemarketing campaign was the most direct
way to reach out to people and to fully
articulate our cost. We could outsource
to Sancto Morini, my cousin does
telemarketing, so for me it’s in-sourcing. I think you may
be overthinking the problem just a little bit. You’re trying to
raise money to get Thaddeus’ dance club
to a competition. Right. Less is more. Let me just leave you with
that thought, and this. All right, it’s
important always to be in a position
where you could see the entire room, right? Because you never
know who or what might be trying
to get in through a door or window. It’s also a good
idea to keep an eye on the ceiling and the floor. Plus this… Is an interior
wall, so you always wanna listen to hear what’s going on on the other side. Do you see Ms. Powell? Sitting duck,
completely vulnerable from every conceivable angle, what is she looking at? Us, just one
potential (mumble) out of thousands. Exactly! See, she is
completely distracted from her surroundings. There was this one time
when I was in Morocco… Wait, or was it Kansas? Look, doesn’t really matter, Kansas, Morocco, the point is… Always watch your back. (unison) Our
graduates have become attorneys and artists,
bankers and bakers, pilots and poets, they are
flown in space shuttles and have sat in the
houses of Government. They have built bridges between cities and bridges
between people. Good, good, remember that it’s principle, p-l-e when you use it like this, not p-a-l. And I graduated Summa Cum Laude, I think you should include that. Oh, and I made a profit my first year in operation. Is that good? Good, it’s phenomenal! p-h-e-n-o-m… 35 minutes, 4 seconds. I think we can knock two minutes off that, how about you? Sir, yes sir! Lunch! Okay. 15 minutes, that’s with
a bathroom break, got it? Great mother. 15 minute, we be back. I don’t believe it. They’re actually cooperating. Well done, Doctor Powell. You (mumble) Doctor Caldwell. Oh don’t be so modest. Just following your lead, fix the inner-personal and
then the interpersonal. Well done. I think we’re ready to wrap
up here, Doctor Powell. I concur. [Caldwell] At the
start of this study, you were given the
Subaru/Caldwell Assessment to provide us with
an objective measure of your interpersonal conflicts. Now we administer
this evaluation again to gauge the progress
that you have made. Ah, wonderful! Wonderful, wonderful. No no no, not yet, let’s wait for the official word. You’re doing so
much better today. You had me scared
for a little bit. Well you know, I
have to tell you, I was really on the
brink there for awhile. I mean for the first
time in my career I had no answers. I am so grateful
that Doctor Powell stepped in when she did. Ah, speak of the
devil, I was just telling Olga here that… Oh my God. It’s bad, isn’t it? The Subaru/Caldwell results? Have shown no
measurable progress. No measurable progress?! No, they’re the same now as they were on day one. Well how could that be?! They were showing some
signs of improvement, there was positive interaction, cooperation, civil discourse! I don’t know, I’m
as shocked as you are. Oh my God. This is it, I mean tomorrow
is the press conference! Oh Lord! Henry, we’ve seen success! You’ve said so yourself! So just get up there
and tell them the truth. But John-Michael won’t let me get away with that! The Subaru/Caldwell is the proof and we don’t have it! I could get up there and say all kinds of warm, fuzzy things and it won’t mean anything! [Olga] Doctor Caldwell! My dear Olga, where
will you go now? Since you can’t work
for this massive fraud? Doctor Caldwell, stop it! I still work for you! [Powell] Henry,
calm down, there’s still time before
tomorrow, we can give it a positive spin! Oh John-Michael,
you son of a bitch! Look what you’ve done to me! Oh God! This is pathetic,
we’ve gotta do something.
  That wouldn’t have
been my first choice. Well it worked, didn’t it? Yeah. What do we do with him? I guess just let him rest. That way he can just get
up tomorrow and speak. Can you take him home tonight, make sure he’s all right? Yeah, of course. And that includes
not hitting him in the head with anymore books. Right. I’m just gonna go figure out what we’re gonna do. Not the results
you were hoping for. Empirical madness can
be so unforgiving. [Powell] Katie? What are you doing here? [Coleman] What are
any of us doing here? I mean that in the
existential sense. Rhetorically, you don’t
really have to answer it. You know, in
retrospect, I probably should have just
said something else. You know about the
evaluation results. Of course I do. Did you rig them? Why would I do
something like that? I’m not really sure what motivates you to do anything. Okay, as honest as anything that this mouth
has ever uttered, I did not rig the results. But neither did
John-Michael Robertson. Then what happened? Human nature, hey,
I can’t explain that. But I do know that
you and dirty diaper are in a bit of a tight spot. So I’m here to
offer my assistance. Why would you wanna help us? ‘Cause you’re all
right, Doctor Powell! Hey, I am not argue with the Flower Buddy First Class. So how can I help
you, Doctor Powell? I guess if you could
get all the roommates to the house tomorrow afternoon and make sure
everyone stays there, I’ll figure out the rest. I’ll do one better. Coleman, what do
you mean by that? Get some sleep, Doctor Powell. [Gunner] Is everything
set for tomorrow? Event crew’s all set, all
journalists are on board. Good, what about catering? Coffee, tea, and
assorted bagels and two different
kinds of cream cheese. Danish? No danish. Are you kidding me? You know Robertson
needs his danish. Go back to the office and make sure there’s danish there. Right! Oh Jesus! Coleman! You know, it
must be nice having a PhD candidate
bringing you a danish. Been a long time,
how are you, Gunner? Better, I’m on medication now. The dreams have stopped. Oh yeah, I’m really
sorry about that. I’m not always
trying to get inside someone’s head, sometimes
it just happens. What do you want? I want you to
keep looking at me. Is that my lamp? Coleman! You’re demented! Is this a kid or a midget?! We’ll ask the questions! I’m not saying anything. All right, I’ll talk! What do you want to know? You’re gonna tell us
everything you know. And when we’re
done here tonight, you’re gonna forget
you ever saw us. Okay! Where are the files?! Hello? Doctor Powell, I’ve got
a bit of an emergency. What happened? Doctor Caldwell was doing much better this morning and he asked to come to the
office, so he did. Then he asked me to
go get him a latte, so I went to get him one,
and when I came back, he was gone and now I
don’t know where he is. [Powell] Oh my God! I’m sorry! It’s okay, it’s
not your fault. Just check around
the University, check around his house, check all the usual places. Okay. If you find anything
out, let me know. I’m going over to foxtrot. You gotta be kidding me. You guys are all
here, thank God. Thank Coleman, he wouldn’t let anybody leave. [Powell] Oh, thanks, Coleman. Yo, well what’s going on? Who are those
people in the foyer? Yes, the ones
who are flagrantly disregarding the foyer policies! [Powell] Okay,
full disclosure time. The study that you guys have all graciously participated
in has been something of a wager. Before Doctor Caldwell and I took this case, you
guys were involved in a different study
with a colleague of ours. Doctor Robertson. Ass. D-bag. Scoundrel! Right, that guy. Anyways, he sort
of made a bet that Doctor Cald… Henry’s methods couldn’t
sort you guys out. Henry essentially
then risked his entire reputation saying that he could, but according to the results, you guys don’t get along any better now than you
did 100 days ago. The people in the front foyer? They’re setting up
for a press conference that Doctor Robertson
has arranged to humiliate Henry, and
that’s basically the story. So I’m here now to
appeal to all of you to save a man’s career. Henry is a good person,
he’s live a good life, and he’s done many good things. And it’s just not right or fair that his life is gonna
be ruined like this. So we were some kind of game between a couple of academics? No, our intentions
were completely honest! I don’t know man,
sounds mess up to me. No one would ever do something so evil in Sancto Morini. All right, before
everyone gets all morally indignant, I
wonder if I might interject. Okay, you’ll all
recall that we were asked by Doctor Robertson
to participate in his study. He was attracted
to our diversity, he thought that our
unique collection of individuals would make
for a fascinating example. These are records
that Doctor Robertson pulled from the
Foxtrot One files. Any conclusions, Doctor Powell? You guys were fine. You guys were completely fine before John-Michael came along. That’s true, apart from Lori’s fascist regime, we all
got along just fine. Hey! You all lived perfectly happy separate lives
until John-Michael showed up and mashed
you all together! He was the catalyst! And now he’s gonna use
this to take Henry down. To hell with that! Screw Robertson! I ain’t got no
love for that hater. I’m still a little
upset about the fascist thing, but I agree. I am Spartacus! So what do you need us to do? [Powell] Okay,
well first thing will be to find Henry. Where’d he go? [Powell] I don’t know, he
went missing this morning. But if we all split up,
I’m sure we could find him. I’ll find Henry,
the rest of you can stay here and
stall for time. [Powell] But he
could be anywhere. Look, he’s in one place. And I’ll find which one. All right, well then
I should go with you because he made need
me to talk to him. No, you need to
stay here because if Henry’s not here
to speak for himself, then you’re the next best thing, so I’ll take Vivi and
she can throw some Shakespeare on him if
he needs talking to. [Powell] Okay. Once more into the
breach, dear friends. Once more! Stephon, if we
need to kill time, we may need you
to entertain them. Got ‘cha back. What can I do? [Powell] You and
I are gonna write something for Henry to say. Lori and Ilbercto,
just try to get along. Oh…
(beeping) Here. What is this? [Coleman] I put
a tracking device on Henry during week one. [Vivian] How’d you do that? Did you eat
breakfast this morning? Yeah… You don’t wanna know. I love the smell of failure. Especially in the morning. Oh shit, Robertson. Doctor Robertson! Doctor Powell, such
a wonderful sight on such a beautiful day. Where’s Henry? Henry had to attend
to a family emergency. Oh, nothing serious I hope. No no, his brother was just involved in a
fatal car accident. Fatal? Fatal, did I say fatal? Silly me, I meant
minor, I’m just, I think I’m just really excited. So am I, Doctor
Powell, so am I.
Coleman, where are you?! All right, we’re
on the edge of town, Regina, but we’re getting close. There he is! [Coleman] Okay,
we spotted him. (whispers) Good job. They found Henry. Thank God. I know, but it’s
gonna be awhile before he’s gonna be here, so I’ve gotta kill
time, just hang tight. Okay. Good afternoon, I am
Doctor Regina Powell, Associate Professor
of Conflict Mediation at Auer Nolin University, and assistant to
Doctor Henry Caldwell. Doctor Caldwell is
currently attending to a family emergency and
will be arriving shortly. But right now I wanna introduce the amazing, the incomparable, Stephon Stiles! Thank you. Hey everybody, how you doing? Hey, let’s get this
thing started, huh? [Vivian] Henry! Don’t do it! Why not? I mean what’s the point? You see that? Well that’s what I
did with my career, and now I’m gonna join it! Coleman, talk to him. You talk to him, that’s what I brought you for! But I didn’t think he was gonna try to kill himself! If I talk to him,
I guarantee you he’s gonna kill himself. Ha ha, thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Thank you, thank you. (whispers) We need more time. What? Play something else. Like what? I don’t know, anything. (whispers) I don’t
have anything else. Stephon Stiles,
ladies and gentlemen! Henry! I know everything seems
like crap right now. I know what’s on
the line for you. You do? Regina told us. We know that it was
all part of a bet. But that’s okay! I’m better now than
I was 100 days ago. 100 days ago I couldn’t say
a thing when it mattered, and now I’ve got
the confidence to try to talk you out
of killing yourself. That’s progress! But the Subaru/Caldwell showed no empirical evidence
of improvement! So what?! Who cares about some
stupid evaluation?! I know what’s in here,
and this is different! And there are five
people back at the house that feel that way too! They’re trying to
help you win that bet. They are? Really? It’s not enough to
help the people up, but to support him after. We got him, Regina,
we are on our way. Yeah, ha ha, thank
you, thank you very much. Thank you, Stephon,
wasn’t that just fabulous? Thanks, now clear off. All right, damn. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to thank you for your patience, Doctor Caldwell will
be arriving shortly. Now I wanna talk to you about… That was really great. Thanks. You know, I’d love
to get a copy of it. Really? Okay, sure. And I remember one afternoon, Evelyn had this appointment with a foreign diplomat and Coleman threw open the door because he thought he was a spy, but — And the guy was gagged, so you couldn’t even hear him scream! (laughing) Let’s walk. Here’s what you say. And I guess that
just goes to show you that you shouldn’t force people to do things that
they don’t want to do. Doctor Henry Caldwell! Stick to the script,
read it like you mean it. Good afternoon. Thank you for your patience. I stand before you today and fully admit to my failure. I have failed by
objective measures. But if I have
learned anything in my time mediating
conflicts, it’s that objective measures rarely apply. I came to this house
with the expectation that I would end
all of the arguments and disagreements between the six people that lived here. I believe that they were unhappy and unsatisfied people. Imprisoned by their own
interpersonal conflicts. My goal was to have them
see their own shortcomings. And by correcting those
faults, end those battles. But it was my own shortcoming
that I discovered. The belief that I
could make peace in any situation. Life is conflict. We encounter it every
day in all places. But its presence
doesn’t necessarily constitute discord. What I’ve learned
from these six people is that we can co-exist. Just because a piece of paper, an objective measure,
says we differ, it does not mean that
we cannot live together. So often we find that
ain’t no good guys. There ain’t no bad guys. It’s only you, and me,
and we just disagree. Thank you. I can’t believe you
wrote that in there. Bullshit! Bullshit! I can’t believe you
people are buying this! He said he could resolve all the interpersonal conflicts of these people in 100
days, and he failed! He didn’t do it, and not just ’cause he’s a fraud, but because these people are six of the most vexatious, fulsome
disturbed misfits able to walk free! We’ve got an actress
who can’t act, a songwriter with one song, a sexually deviant entrepreneur, a total psychopath,
an abject coward from a country no
one’s ever heard of, and an anal retentive
pencil pusher! You don’t talk
about Lori like that! You goat faced doggie ass! I’m incredibly
sorry, I don’t know what came over
me, I promise I’ll never say anything
like that again! Ilbercto! Nape, nape, trachea. Try me. Try me! Now apologize to her now. I’m heartily sorry for what I said just then, Ms. Funnell. I assure you there
was no ill intent. Oh it’s all right. Now get out of my damn house! That concludes our
press conference, if you have any questions
for Doctor Caldwell, Doctor Powell, or
any of the tenants, please feel free to ask.
[Coleman] Caldwell came
out smelling like a rose. He wrote a book
with Doctor Powell about the whole
experience and it shot up the bestseller list. And Evelyn came
out of retirement to represent them. Don’t know if she still does the domination thing
at all anymore. [Coleman] After
writing a second song, the floodgate opened and Stephon wrote enough songs
for a 45 minute set. Now he’s a proper
struggling musician. Talking Henry out
of killing himself was a huge confidence
booster for Vivian. She finally made her stage debut as Juliet in a Community
Theater production opposite a 58 year old Romeo. Standing up to Doctor Robertson was the greatest thing a
Sancto Morinian has ever done. So the people of
Sancto Morini elected Zima President for
life in a landslide. Lori was even more impressed that Zima stood up to Robertson and became the First
Lady of Sancto Morini. It’s now the most efficiently
run country in the world. So now you’re all caught up. That’s quite the
experience, Agent Coleman. It was edifying. Since Zima’s out
of the picture, we’re reassigning you. We have a team of specialists in need of training. We want you to
keep an eye on them. 43 to Cougar. Situation normal.

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