Mosfilm Studios Creative Association
of Comedy and Musical Films Alice Freindlich Andrei Myagkov Svetlana Nemolyaeva Oleg Basilashvili Lia Akhedjakova Lyudmila Ivanova in the film OFFICE ROMANCE Script
Emil Braginsky, Eldar Ryazanov Directed by
Eldar Ryazanov Photography
Vladimir Nakhabtsev Art Directors
Alexander Borisov, Sergei Voronkov Work is the most noble
thing in the world. Thatís why people
go to work. This is also the only reason
why I go to work. Without statistics, we would never know
what nice workers we are. Lyudmila Prokofievna Kalugina, the director of our statistics bureau. She knows her job very well. It happens with some bosses. She comes the earliest of all and leaves the latest, from which it becomes
clear sheís unmarried. We call her Meany, not in her face, of course. Music
Andrei Petrov Every morning I take
my little rogues to school. Buy one carton of milk,
donít forget. And donít forget
to have your lunch. Now you. When
will your stop your pranks? – Everyone is complaining.
– I behave myself. Everyone is complaining
about you. – Why did you eat play dough?
– With sugar. Youíre a big boy.
Big boys donít eat play dough. Why did you lock up
Masha in the closet? I locked her up,
but I lost the key. Go. And no more putting
glue on the teacherís chair. – Do you hear me?
– Okay. Little devil. My name is Anatoly Efremovich. Last name – Novoseltsev. I live on my salary,
from hand to mouth. So I run around like a squirrel in the wheel. Olga Petrovna Ryzhkova, or simply Olya. Songs performed by
Andrei Myagkov Olya is my best pal. We became friends
at the university. I like her unending optimism, optimism no matter what. The world rests on optimists. Too many people
living in our city. Too many guests.
Too many cars. Everyone is in a hurry. Itís all crowds and queues. But I love my city all the same. It is my city. A wonderful city. This is Vera. She is curious like all women, and womanly
like all secretaries. She earns a modest salary,
but wears foreign clothes. Itís a miracle how she
manages to buy all this. And this is Shura. A pleasant woman,
but, unfortunately, an activist. She was once recommended
for welfare activity, and there is no stopping
her since then. Refreshed by exercises
in the public transport we arrive to our work. Hi. Look, Vova has
torn another pair of boots. Where can I borrow
20 rubles? Wait, I need
to buy some pills. Give me something
from a headache. Donít go away. – Pay in 50 kopecks.
– For what? Selezneva has
an addition to the family. – I’ve nothing to do with this.
– Who was born? I donít know yet.
A boy or a girl. Donít leave!
Who hasnít paid up? – Sign for me, too.
– Donít leave! Ugh, what a nasty voice.
Where can I get 20 rublesÖ I wish they made me
head of the sector. I would make you one. Youíre a wonderful
worker. An expert. Go to Meany and talk to her. – Youíre the best candidate.
– It’s impossible. – Letís go?
– Okay. – Who was born?
– I donít know. Talk to her. Tell her youíre
a father of two children. Iím sure she doesnít
believe in their existence. She believes they
pop up from nowhere as ready-made grownups. Yes, but an increased
salary wonít hurt. It wonít hurt indeed. And itís not only about money. Iím sick and tired
of sitting at this desk. Iím made for something more. – I can move mountains.
– Then go and say this to her. No, I wonít. Iím too proud for this. Every morning begins
from one and the same thing. Itís a tradition. Even a ritual. Petr Ivanovich Bublikov – head of the public catering sector. Maybe this fact
explains his corpulent forms. Yury Grigorievich Samokhvalov. A good person. We are
from the same alma mater. All this story began
when he appeared in our bureau. It was an ordinary morning,
when our beauties of statistics had finished
their make-up procedure and relapsed into a sweet poetic dream of summaries, numbers, reports, plans and calculations. Did you lock the door
with both keys? Iím not going
to explain anything to you. – We got divorced yesterday.
– Yes, and you were quite rude. – Can I see the boss?
– Yes. Wait here. You fried eggs in my pan. And you didnít
wash it afterwards. Whatís this crap
youíre smoking. My name is Yury Grigorievich. Iíll call you back. Iím sorry, I took you
for a visitor. – Can I see the boss?
– Yes, of course. Good morning, Lyudmila
Prokofievna. Here I am. Make a guess, what
do I smoke right now? Marlboro. From the bossís new deputy. He seeks my friendship.
Right now heís with the old hag. I donít care who seeks
your friendship. Oh, I called you
just automatically. It wonít happen again. A souvenir from Switzerland. An eight-colored pen,
for all kind of resolutions. Black ñ ëto refuseí,
red – ‘to carry out the payment’, green ñ the color of hope,
blue – ‘for consideration’. Thank you. Very clever.
Take a seat. Vera. Call for Novoseltsev. – What Novoseltsev?
– An uninteresting worker, with no initiative,
like many others. Anatoly Efremovich,
come to Kaluginaís office. Coming!
Meany is calling for me. Go and take
the bull by the horns. Go and take that job. Iím an empty place for her. …and get acquainted with
the chemical industry sector. – Yes, and in SwitzerlandÖ
– Our best sector. – …I studied statistics.
– And then you should handle computerization
of the building sector. – The computers in Switzerland areÖ
– Yes, great. But here thereís a gap in the light industry sector. Its head Petrunin – left to the Ministry.
– Novoseltsev is here. Iím looking for a new head. Bring him in. You may come in. Donít be afraid. And I want you
to pay attention toÖ Good afternoon. – Take a seat.
– Thank you. Tolya! – You old devil!
– Yura! – What are you doing here?
– And you? – I work here.
– Whatís going on? – You work here?
– Yes. After the university. – What about you?
– Youíve become bold! – Not entirely.
– Mr. NovoseltsevÖ Heís my old friend. – WaitÖ
– I see. – Mr. Novoseltsev.
– Wait a sec. – Iím on business here.
– Is this your report? Yes. You should either do it
or leave it. Statistics canít be approximate. You used unchecked data. – Why?
– No, I checked everything. Did you take into
consideration the missing items? Of course. Iím a first-hand
consumer myself. And the shops in SwitzerlandÖ
Sorry. Certain items missing in shops due to the laxness
of such workers as you. Kindly redo it. Letís return to our business. As my deputy, you should
pay attention to the discipline. Itís below the mark here. – You want to ask something?
– Ye-es. – What is it?
– WellÖ – I have a question.
– What kind of question? – Eh, no questions.
– Very well. You may go then. – People are late to work.
– Excuse me. Tolya, wait for me
in the reception room. Doing shopping
during their work hours. And there was
an outrageous incident, a most outrageous incident. In the ladies room someone attached a notice:
ëpanty-hose on saleí. – And a phone number.
– Dear God. You know whoís
Meanyís new deputy? – Who?
– Make a guess. – Tell me.
– Make a guess. – I donít know. Who?
– Yura. – What Yura?
– Oh, come on. – The two of you were in love.
– Yura Samokhvalov? – How is he?
– Fit as a fiddle. – Oh, my God, Yura!
– Olya! Jesus, youíre so handsome! – If only compared to me.
– Olya, you havenít changed! Iím so glad to see you! Me, too. Letís go somewhere? I canít invite you to my office. Kalugina ordered
to fix it up. A new deputy ñ a new office. – How is your life?
– Iím fine. I live in an apartment,
in the suburbs, butÖ Letís go for a smoke. Okay. My son Victor is 14. Heís an athlete. 1st class in long jump. What are you smoking?
Be my guest. Marlboro. My husband is all right now, too. He was operated on for ulcer
by Prof. Pokrovsky. The operation was successful. He was sent to a free
resort in Essentuki. He is still there. I live an eventful life. Camping, going to cinema
theaters. The smoke of Fatherland
which tastes so sweet, eh. Öreceiving guests. – And how are you?
– Iím all right. I spent two years
in Geneva. – A Swiss souvenir.
– Thank you. – How is everything in Geneva?
– Not so simple. What about robbing you
of 20 rubles, Geneva-wise? – Of course.
– Itís against my principles, I usually donít borrow
money from bosses. – I wasnít signed in yet.
– All right then. Iíll return it
on the pay day. What a lucky chance
youíll be the boss here. – You must help Yura.
– Help in what? – Well, you knowÖ
– Oh, stop it. A most unrightful thing
is going on, because Tolya is just
made for that job. – Olya, stop it.
– He is a nice worker, and he has two children
on his hands. Little children?
Who is your wife? His wife left him,
him and their two kids. No, it was me
who took them away from her. Hello? It’s Novoseltsev…
…Spitting? Please box his ears for me. Iíll pick him up later, Iíll be
buying new shoes for him. Thank you.
Heís spitting, that little rogue. Well, itís a good idea,
to give him that job. Then do it.
Youíre a big man here. – Iíll do it.
– No. I screw up my report. So, please donít. Maybe I have changed
to the worse during these years. No, youíll make a nice boss.
Wait here. Please, itís
not the right moment. – Calm down.
– Olya, tell him to stop. He hasnít changed, you know. Yes, and if he goes on
like this, heíll have problems. Tolya, tell me frankly, am I stillÖ likable? Of course, Olya.
Youíre all right. Lyudmila Prokofievna,
Iíve an idea. What about making
Novoseltsev head of the sector? So what he messed
up with his report? Itís just that
he is made for something bigger. I know him.
He is very talented. I can understand your sentiments:
old friendship and so on, but we should judge people
by their deeds. Good bye. She didnít buy it.
But give me some time. Patience, my friends,
everything is – under control.
– Iíve always believed in you. Itís all useless. Fear not, no familiarity
in front of others. I always knew
you were so full of tact. Iíll go and buy
some groceries before theyíre closed
for a dinner break. They chose the bad
timing for our dinner break – when all food shops are closed. Well, time changes us indeed. Do you remember
how pretty she wasÖ Anyway, you and I didnít
get any younger, either. Itís just that with women
itís moreÖ painful. LookÖ I really want you
as my friend to take this post, I mean, someone I could trust. I see. A new broom and so on comes with his own team. – And youíre from my team.
– Sure. Though, a minute
ago I was from no oneís team. Letís come downstairs,
I want to show you smth. Vera, call my driver, please. Thank you,
thank you very much. – Push 1, please.
– Wait. – You are the bossís new deputy?
– Yes. Great. Pay in 50 kopecks. Selezneva
has an addition to her family. – Wonderful.
– Nice reaction, eh. – Take the change.
– Everything for Selezneva. – Did you pay up?
– Yes. – Are you sure?
– Yes! You bought new high boots? Not yet. Just trying them on.
What do you think? Too loud.
I wouldnít buy them. And in your place I would
do such things after work. Means theyíre good.
Iíll buy them. Tolya, Kalugina
thinks youíre a nobody. Sheís right.
Be careful. The mask of irony
is the province of the beaten. But you should find
an approach to her. – Whatís her weak point?
– She has no weak points. Sheís not young,
not pretty. Sheís a lonely woman. She is not a woman.
She is a CEO. – Your car?
– Get in, buddy. Wow. A ëVolgaí? Kind of. Get in. A compact little flat. – And what is this?
– A Philips, a stereo record player. – Embedded?
– Plus two speakers. Iím going to the Ministry.
Itíll take quite long. Mr. Novoseltsev,
take care of your report. – Do come to my home party.
– I will. Iím afraid of her.
Sheís fierce as a wolf. Iím throwing a party
in the evening. Youíre invited, too.
Talk to her, using the home atmosphere. Try to woo her. Otherwise, if I mention
your name again, sheíll roar at me. How can I woo her
if sheís a roaring type? No, itís a great idea that you should
treat her as a woman. No, I absolutely
canít treat her as a woman. I canít do this as a man.
Well, I ëcaní, as a man, butÖ Iím not suggesting
anything serious. Just ‘rush’ her a little bit. No job in the world
will make me ‘rush’ her. Letís agree that
Iím not going to do this and that you will invite Olya. You forgot about her.
She’ll take offence. – Why Olya?
– What do you mean, why? Well, anyway. Come together.
By 8 p.m. Please treat yourselves. Have some tomatoes. Do eat something.
It’s delicious. You have a nice home. – I liked your wife.
– I agree with you on this point. Hopefully, on points of work, too. – And what is this?
– A mobile. – A mobile?
– Itís very popular in Europe, you can find it
in many houses there. An illusion of movement. The idea belongs
to Alexander Calder from America. The 20th century is so full
of high speeds. You come home and relax watching it. But you should return
to your guests. I canít leave you alone. Donít worry.
Youíve good magazines here. All this noise is so tiresome. I like solitude,
so please donít worry. – Iíll just sit here.
– All right. Have a nice time. – TolyaÖ
– Coming. – Coming.
– You glutton. Itís delicious. Use the moment.
Sheís alone in the room. – Let her be.
– Stop being an idiot. – Take this cocktail to her.
– Youíre the host, not me. Why should I do it?
I can’t. Yes, I know sheís a scarecrow, but you donít need
to look at her. – Go.
– Iím scared. Tolya, itís your big moment. – Iím scared.
– Go. – Are you all right?
– Youíve a classy house. Try this salad. I already did this. I prepare
it better than your wife. I add some shredded apple. – You didnít change.
– What? You remember
what I was like? – I remember everything.
– Me, too. – Tolya!
– Wait… Did you hear what
I said? Go now! – Go.
– Oh, my Jesus. May I come in? Come in, Mr. Novoseltsev. – Thank you.
– Take a seat. Not here. – You came on some business?
– No. Yes. – Iím all ears.
– Have some cocktail. – I donít drink, Mr. Novoseltsev.
– Good. Neither do I. Then why did you bring it? To drink it. – ButÖ it was my mistake.
– In the line of others. I want to say that you proved to be a very prudent person. – What?
– I meanÖ you are far-sighted. Iím trying to correct my report. And it becomes
better and better. My congratulations. Do you like picking mushrooms? – Picking what?
– Mushrooms. Brown cap boleti, orange-cap
boleti, honey mushroomsÖ Iím indifferent to such things. My condolences. Picking mushrooms is the most
wonderful thing in the world. Take honey mushrooms.
They grow on tree stumps, and if you’re lucky
to meet a good stump, you can gather a basketful
of stumpsÖ ehÖhoney mushrooms. King boleti, orange-cap boleti, they grow under aspen trees, birch trees and fir trees. In dry summer the mushrooms need moisture, and
they grow in lowsÖ Youíd find a good lowÖ and you gather
basketfuls of mushrooms. Youíre a such a big expert
of mushrooms, Mr. Novoseltsev. Yes, of mushrooms.
And my name is Anatoly. I will try to remember.
Have you finished? – No. Yes.
– You may go, Mr. Novoseltsev. Well? Why didnít you
give her the cocktail? She doesnít drink. What were the two of you
talking about? – WellÖ About mushrooms.
– Mushrooms? – Why about mushrooms?
– What would you suggest? To talk about snakes?
I tried to woo her. Last time it was my
wife that I wooed, and it was twelve years ago.
I got out of habit. Did she understand
you were wooing her? – I think, no.
– Yura, did you see pole
dancing in Switzerland? – No.
– Honestly? – Iím not interested.
– I would sure go and see it. Have some Swiss cheese,
Greek olivesÖ You want to remain
small fish to the end of your life? But can there be some
other way rather than wooing? When I see her,
my legs go weak in the knees. You may sit down then. I donít know what
to talk with her about. About something intellectual.
She is a clever lady. Intellectual? Well, intellectual is no problem. Only she wonít understand. All right, Iíll refresh myself and will go to cast pearls
before her. Yury Grigorievich, why wonít
you ask me for a dance? May I ask you for a dance? Youíre just trying to be polite? Do you remember how
we would skip lectures? And how we went
to an ice parlor? You ordered heaps of everything
and then you didnít have enough money. Of course I remember. I wanted to ask you
about that Bublikov from the public catering section. – He is the head there.
– What kind of person is he? A career chaser. Will your wife feel jealous? – Why?
– Because of me. Of course she will be jealous. Do you remember us
kissing in Kuntsevo park? Now there is no park there. Of course I remember. What kind of person
is that Borovskikh – from the crafts section?
– Heís a capital fellow. You know, Yura, we are dancing now as if time has stopped
for the two of us. – Iím going to her.
– And boost up your intellect. ItísÖ me again. I think we already
said goodbye to each other. Right. But letís say hello again. – Hello, Lyudmila Prokofievna.
– Good evening. May I sit down? – You are welcome.
– Thank you. Thank you very much. Donít you feel bored? No. Iím used to being alone
and I never feel bored. You want me to leave? You may stay if you wish. Thank you very much. A cigarette? a match?
a carton? – Thank you.
– If you don’t objectÖ Cognac? Scotch?
Gin and tonic? Vodka? Didnít I tell you
that I donít drink? Yes, it just slipped
from my mind. – Something interesting?
– Rather. We are sitting here
like dumb and mute. As if we have nothing
to talk about. Letís discuss something. Weíve already
discussed my report and you are not
interested in mushrooms, right? Absolutely. – Are you interested in berries?
– In the form of jam. And in verse, in the form
of poetry? Do you like verse? Yes, I do. Really? Great.
Letís talk about verse. When I was young,
I used to write verse. – And you?
– No. – I had no talent.
– Nor had I. But let me read you something. Maybe you shouldnít
take risks? No, I should.
I want to impress you. – You already did.
– I want to intensify the effect. Something from
my early years. To love some is a heavy cross, your beauty is without twists and secrets of your charm explores all mysteries that life enlists. In springÖ In youth you seem to have
been a lot more talented. I couldn’t even imagine
that your pen name was Pasternak. I couldn’t even imagine
you understand in poetry. A good poem,
but a nasty recitation. – You know better.
– I bet I do. Though, my friends say
Iím a good reciter. They lied to you.
Youíre a nasty one. Are you interested
in music? Just in any kind
of music? I hope youíre not
going to play music? – I wanna sing.
– How sad. Why? My friends said Iíve
a beautiful bass soprano. Wait. Are you drunken? No. When Iím drunken,
Iím boisterous. – But now Iím quiet.
– Lucky me. – What shall I sing to you?
– Maybe you better not? Donít judge before
you hear me singing. Iím tired of you, Mr. Novoseltsev. Iíll sing to you and youíll feel better. Quiet is the night, Woodchuck sleeps tight. He hang his ears on the branch after having a lunch. Have you gone mad? Aha, you donít like my singing? – No, I donít.
– What do you like at all? Itís hard to please you. But Iíll try to.
Iíll dance for you. Not a modern dance – but something classical. Russian folk dance –
Gypsy dance! – And you can sing.
– Stop this circus! Okay, Iíll dance and singÖ – Letís fill the glass!
– For crying out loud! Stop it! This is crazy! – Yury Grigorievich!
– Come on, Tolya! Take away this hooligan! Whatís going on? Why are you dancing? You donít like my recitation, my singing and dancing,
because youíre cold fish, a dry personality! You areÖ Leave me alone!
No one is asking you! You are not human! Let him go on, Yury Grigorievich. You have no heart,
youíre only full of numbers. – Let him go on.
– Olya, leave me alone! You may fire me,
but Iím glad I told you all this in the face! – Iím so sorry.
– Go away. Yury Grigorievich. Thank you for
this wonderful evening. Thank you for inviting me. – Good bye.
– Good bye. …what will happen tomorrow. Good bye, friends. Good bye, Mrs. Ryzhova. – Good bye.
– Good by, Mr. Novoseltsev. Anatoly Efremovich. – Good bye. Let me see you out.
– Stop it. Please donít. – Let me see you out.
– Donít bother. Iím so sorry. Donít
pay any attention. – Heís a good sport.
– Thank you for the evening. It was fun. It was all my blame. – Iím so sorry.
– Itís nothing. – Stay in touch.
– Okay, okay. I couldnít even imagine
heíd behave like this. Please donít pay any attention. – He outreached himself.
– Well, itís interesting to know
what people think about you. Thank you.
Letís go home. See you tomorrow. We are packed in the buses and trams Our faces are pale and the metro our crowds like smoke from its mouth would exhale. Or, like butterflies
caught in the snare, We canít hear each otherís voice: We are breathing
one and the same air, We are deafened
by the street noise. To smoke a cigarette
we would stop, Itís a usual busy day. If we push someone with an elbow, We just say sorry and
walk away, And keep moving along
the streets – Like a grey unending wall, We go our separate ways And donít care,
we donít care at all. Novoseltsev. Personal file. Nine oíclock Moscow time. – Hi, debaucher.
– Hi. What the hell
happened to you yesterday? I didnít sleep all night
because of this. You should go
and apologize before her. No. How can I appear
before her eyes now? One should pay
for his mistakes. – Who is this girl?
– I donít remember her name. Okay, Iíll go to her. Hopefully, she wonít
receive me. Good morning. Yura! Good morning, Olya. Iím so glad you came
to my place yesterday. Iím standing here,
waiting for you. I wanted to say
thank you for the party. Oh, yes, it was some party. – Any plans for tonight?
– I’ll go home and have some rest. – Good morning, Vera.
– Good morning. – Is the boss here?
– As always. – A souvenir from Switzerland.
– I donít take bribes. – My office is ready. Great.
– We know class. Any plans for tonight? A party? Are gentlemen invited? You must introduce me to someone. Iím a lonely girl now. Vera, please bring
all new documents. There it is. Wait here. Vera, you know everything
about everybody. Such is my profession. What do you know
about Novoseltsev? Heís a nincompoop. He lives alone with
his two children. Have you been here for long? Okay, I’ll come later. Do you remember Liza
Leontieva from the building sector? A comely light-haired girl with a braid? – She doesnít work here anymore.
– I donít remember her. Of course you donít.
That girl was his wife, a mother of their
two children. And then she walked
out on him. How could she ever
leave her children. Sheís a mother! A mother? Novoseltsev was the one
who was a mother. A quiet, soft and harmless person. You will never hear
a rude word from him. A harmless person, ehÖ Novoseltsev, you are done for. Meany was asking
questions about you. She is studying your personal file. – Sheíll sack me.
– For what? Hooliganism. Vera, maybe she wonít
receive me right now? Wait here. – Itís Novoseltsev.
– I didnít call for him. Okay, Iíll tell him
that you’re busy. NoÖ Itís not polite.
Let him come in. – So?
– You must come in. Oh. And how is she? – Well, never mind.
– Good luck. Thanks. How do you do,
Prokopya LyudmilovnaÖ I came to sayÖ YesterdayÖ wellÖ some maggot bit me. I noticed that. I was like a mad dog
on the loose. Thatís closer to truth. – Like a mad dog…
– Yes. – Be seatedÖ
– No. – Anatoly Efremovich.
– Iíd rather die on my feet. Sit down. Thank you. Kindly feel at home. Yesterday youÖ
donít move! Öyou took the liberty of calling me inhuman. Donít pay attention
to what I said yesterday. On the contrary, my dear sir. Especially that you represent the opinion of certain people. You donít say so! You insulted me
in front of other people. – It was sheer slander.
– SlanderÖ All these things you
said about me is a lie. I absolutely disagree with you. – Donít be so cagey.
– Iím not. Iíll get the hang of you. Please donít hang me. – You said Iím hard.
– Youíre soft. – And inhuman.
– Human. – Heartless.
– Heartful. – Dry personality.
– Wet personality. – Oh, Iím sorry.
– Stop – laughing at me.
– PleaseÖ IÖ I justÖ It was a slip of my tongue. Youíre not wet,
youíre kind! – I look up to youÖ
– Why do you hate me so much? – I didnít intrigue against you.
– No, you didnít. – Didnít sack you.
– Not yet. – I am paying you all bonuses.
– Yes, you are. Yes, I criticized your report, but for a quite
obvious reason. We all love you.
Somewhere deep in our hearts. So deep that I donít see it. – But we do.
– Stop it! – Youíre so democratic.
– Stop lying! – Stop it!
– Iím not lying. When we come to your office, – we feel so inspired.
– For the love of God! What are you doing? – You burst into my officeÖ
– WhatÖyouíre crying? Öand say foul things
about me. Stop crying ñ youíre the boss! Itís none of your business. I know better. Calm down. Have some water. – May I come in?
– Yura, go away. Go away. Weíre in session. – Whatís going on?
– Sheís sacking him for hooliganism. Lyudmila Prokofievna,
I need to talk to you. Leave us alone!
Weíre in session. Stop bossing about here. Iím the one who is
the administratrix here. – The boss.
– Whatever. Iím afraid he has
got rowdy again. Stop crying ñ what
are you doing? – Iím no baby-sitter for you.
– And Iím no crap for you. Anyway, crying
will serve you right. If you can cry,
youíre not so hopeless. Itís okay, Iíll take care of it. Hello? – Sheís busy. The minister?
– The minister? She has no time for ministers now. Give me the telephone,
what are you doing? How dare you talk
like this to the leadership? A thing unheard of! – Have some water.
– You have lost your mind. You hiccup, itís good. They all think
Iím some monster. Not all of them,
donít exaggerate. Youíre not such a monsterÖ Oh, my God,
it is unbearable! Go away! I hate
the looks of you! – Is he still there?
– Theyíve locked themselves. Maybe we should
break the door? Have you gone crazy? Believe me, I didnít
mean to hurt your feelings. You began to cry,
as a normal person, – and it was a shock for me.
– Oh, leave me alone! Itís just thatÖ Iím a lame speaker, I have always beenÖ Iím a lame speaker
but not a lame thinker. Anyway, what did
the minister say? The hell I know.
I think he didnít get me. I have never spoken
to ministers before. What if he wanted
me to come? I canít go there
with such eyes and such a noseÖ Just donít rub them. Let the
tears dry, and no one will notice. It has been ages
since I cried. Though sometimes
I feel like crying. But I canít cry
all by myself, you know. Itís like an alkie who criesÖ Öwho drinks all by himself. When you feel like crying, call for me, and
weíll cry together. Help me, please. Thank you. Youíre lucky,
because you have two children. Yes, a boy andÖ another boy. And Iím all alone. In the morning I get up
and make some coffee – not because I want it,
but because I just have to. And then I go to work, to this office which practically
became my house. And in the eveningÖ
Oh, I hate evenings, you know. I sit here till the janitor
comes, clinking with his keys. I pretend busy. But
I have nowhere to go. Home? Only a TV set
waiting for me there. And I canít even buy a dog,
because who will walk it out? Of course I have friends
and acquaintances, but they have their
families and their lifeÖ Iíve turned
into some scarecrow, while Iím only thirty six. Thirty six? Yes, Iím younger than you. And how old do I look? EhhÖ Thirty five. Youíre lying again,
Mr. Novoseltsev. Itís just that your dressing style
is a bit gloomy. You need some ginger. I didnít think about it. Pay in 50 kopecks. For Borovskikhís 50th jubilee.
It makes 1 kopeck a year. Jubilees are not
popular nowadays. Weíll pool money for
your 50th jubilee, too. I wonít live to see my jubilee.
My work is hazardous. Very well, Anatoly Efremovich, you may go. Iíve a lot of work to do. And I must find out
what the minister wanted. Donít be mad at me. – No ill feelings, okay?
– I want to apologize, too, for this outburst of feelings. How are you, Tolya? Mr. Novoseltsev, pay in 50 kopecks. So, did the old hag sack you? Donít call her like this. – Are you going?
– No. Iíve to finish smth. Yura, can I have
a word with you? Hi, Olya. What about meeting
tomorrow in the evening? I canít, weíre going
to visit our relatives. And the day after tomorrow? Weíre going to our
friend’s birthday party. And two days thereafter
youíll watch hockey, right? Weekends is always a problem. You are my clever girl. All right, go home. You need a break after
what happened yesterday. All right, bye.
See you tomorrow. May I come in? Vera! Call for this biggest thinker of our timesÖ What do you mean ‘who’? Mr. Novoseltsev, of course. Come in, Mr. Novoseltsev. Dear Anatoly Efremovich. With all due credit, so to sayÖ To everyone according
to his talentÖ Strange as it isÖ the managementÖ which is meÖ decided to make you,
one of the best specialists of Russian statistics –
let’s call a spade a spade – head of the light
industry sectorÖ the lightest industry, eh. What do you think
about this idea, Mr. Novoseltsev? I absolutely disagree
with you, Miss Kalugina. I have no initiative, Iím awkward, Iím also too self-conscious,
for this, Lyudmila Prokofievna. Iíll screw up the work of the ehhÖ
lightest industry sector. – Come in.
– Thank you. – Fear not, Mr. Novoseltsev.
– Thank you. – Have a seat.
– Yes, sir. My name is Anatoly Efremovich. Iíll remember this,
Mr. Novoseltsev. You neednít take the trouble, dear Lyudmila Prokofievna. On the contrary. Because
I consider you to be the most industriousÖ Oh, come onÖ Yes, a very industrious worker. Dear Lyudmila Prokofievna, youíll spoil me rotten. Everyone has gone home. Youíre the only idiot
who stayed. Youíre absolutely right –
an idiot. Because you were right
in criticizing my report. I like your modesty. My modesty is nothing
compared to your wisdom, – dear Lyudmila Prokofievna.
– Iím sorry. – Fine.
– Oh, Iím so sorry. Itís all right ñ you were
born to sit here. – Kindly take your place.
– Kindly feel at home. Let’s change places. Why do you consider me
to be such a bad worker? Why didnít you leave
with all the rest? Why such enthusiasm? As you said ñ I need
to redo my report. And for this you came
to my office? How strange. Well, I thought youíd
help me to redo it. Youíre lying, Anatoly Efremovich. You stayed because
you took pity on me. I allowed myself to cry
in your presence, I told you my life story,
and you believed it. In fact Iím all right. Everything couldnít be better. Personal life is not
everything, you know. There are a lot of other
interesting things. Iím head of a big institute. I love my work. People respect me,
someone even fear me. I was at the ministry,
and the minister thanked me. So, I donít need your pity – and your chivalry.
– I thought that in the morning you were real. But I made a mistake.
Itís now that youíre real. All right. Go home. Go home to your children. Go home, do you hear me? I’m the only one here
picking up a present for Borovskikh, something to please him. Thereís that bronze horse
at the antique shop. Tell Novoseltsev to help me
to bring it here tomorrow ñ it’s real heavy! The inclemency ñ
ëtis ruled by heavens. Even in a moment of distress Any season, rain or storm or thunder All of them
with gratitude I bless. My insomnia and joy and wisdom And the change of failure
and success Are like seasons
following each other – All of them with gratitude I bless. Year by year ñ
oh what a heavy burden Threatening to crush you
with its press. But all my years,
all by Nature granted, All my days
with gratitude I bless. I bless the gift of love
by heavens granted And the setting sun
and all my tears wept Like the last day
lived on this Earth – All of this I gratefully accept. Now itís autumn
and the leaves are falling, Time to say goodbye and to confess. All the seasons which are ruled
by heavens, All my life with gratitude I bless. – Am I disturbing?
– Of course not. Come in. Will you please pass
this letter to Mr. Samokhvalov. – To him personally.
– Itís very urgent. – Please, donít forget.
– Itís part of my duty. And donít register it, please. Alright, I wonít register it. – Yura. Good morning.
– Good morning. Good morning, Vera. – Is she here?
– Yep. A letter for you. – Thanks.
– Vera, come here please. Yes, Lyudmila Prokofievna? – I need to talk to you.
– About what? – Be seated.
– Iím all ears. I need your advice. You want some more
personal data? Well, noÖ You knowÖ I mean…
what people wear nowadays? – What do you mean?
– I mean, what is fashionable? Why you of all people…
Iím sorry. Itís all right. A relative of mine
came from a little town, – and sheís interested.
– I see. All right, letís begin
from footwear. Itís footwear which
represents the woman. – Oh, really?
– Today high-heeled creepers with
straps are fashionable. Creepers? I donít understand. Creepers are shoes. – Or simply footwear.
– I see. As for high leg boots,
gathering – and high heels are fashionable.
– Excuse me, I must write it down. Of course. I’ll make notes… – You said, gathering of the heel?
– No, of the bootleg. Does your cousin
have beautiful legs? Well, it’s justÖ usual legs. Within a norm. Bad legs should be hidden. Where? Under a long skirt. Jesus, this is uproarious! – What’s going on?
– Count of the inventory. – 43 22 ñ a chair.
– A souvenir. – What are you doing here?
– 19 06 ñ a chair. 38 92 ñ a lamp. – 113 ñ a chair.
– Look, what a cute lampÖ Wait, what theÖ Table for presidium ñ 4308Ö What on earth are you doing? Performing your order. You’re intellectual workers,
and so are we. 42 63 ñ calculating machineÖ – Be careful.
– Letís go to the conference room. – What a shame!
– Vase – 13 48. Locust people.
Marauders. An ink set ñ 13 19. A vase ñ 58 69. Moser. – And what is this?
– A three-letter word. Erase it. And also, Lyudmila Prokofievna, combinatorial aspect
is very important, too. I mean, combinability. To put on some cute blouse, or a blazer,
on top of a body shirt. – What is a blazer?
– A club coat. You mean, for clubs? – For clubs, too.
– Okay, Iíll write it down. So ñ a blouse, a blazerÖ Anyway, itís
not the most important thing. For example, people
donít wear wigs nowadays, right? Well, thank God. Itís better when itísÖ
with a bit of ginger. Wigs is like wearing
houses on your head. With a bit of ginger, yes. So what is left if
there are no wigs? Your face. Eyebrows become
of colossal importance. Iím sorry, but since
weíre discussing this, – take your eyebrows, for example.
– Whatís wrong with them? Itís bad taste, you know. You should declare a war
to thick eyebrows! – A war? In what way?
– You should pluck them – and thin them out.
– With what? Well, with a ruling pen. Ah, I see. – My God ñ it’ll hurt!
– Bear with it. Youíre a woman. Eyebrows should be thin
like a thread, – raised in a surprise.
– Like your eyebrows? Well, even I
am not the best example. Plucking is only possible
under anesthesia. But even this
is not the most important thing. How can you know a business woman – from a real woman?
– How? By the way she walks. – Because you walk likeÖ
– Like what? Like God knows what. You tie yourself into a knot, you shrivel like an old
down-at heel chukka and plod along to work – stomping like an elephant! But look like we walk! My God ñ you mean
thatís how I walk? A woman should have
mystery about her. Your chin raised, Your eyes loweredÖ Here ñ all relaxed. Your shoulders pulled back. You move freely,
from your hip. A springy relaxed style
of a panther prepared for a leap. Men are just crazy
about such women. Is it possible to master
this kind of gait? Even a hare can be
taught to smoke. Nothing is impossible
in this worldÖ – You think so?
– Öfor an intellectual. Stand here. Adjust yourself. – Iím afraid I wonít manage.
– You will. Donít worry. Your head straight, – Prop up your breast.
– My breast? Youíre flattering me. Everyone is flattering you.
Okay, tense your butt. – Suck in your stomach.
– At one and the same time? – Tense everything.
– Tense everything? And walk towards me! From your hip! Relax! Now! My God, you look vulgar. You waggle your hips
like you know what. – Do you like it?
– A beautiful horsie. This horsie
is heavy like a mammoth. – It’s a real ordeal.
– For whom? For Borovskikhís
50th jubilee. Only donít tell him anything! – Where did you buy the goose?
– Theyíre all sold out. – Youíre a woman, not a ramrod!
– A forgotten feeling. And a playful smile
on your lips. Let the men think
youíre all right. Breathe freely,
boost up elegancy. And no kicking ñ
youíre not a maverick. Go on! Smile!
Where are you going? Where are you going,
Lyudmila Prokofievna? Lyudmila Prokofievna! Allow us to hide this
horse in the closet. WhÖ what for? Lest our birthday boy
get happy before time. All right.
Where are you going to hide it? – In the closet.
– Will it fit into it? – Weíll squeeze it in.
– Shura ñ someoneís calling for you. Okay. Hide this horse.
Iím coming. – Anything more?
– No, thanks. Iíll sign everything
that you brought to me. All right. We’ll take care
of everything, you’re welcome. What have you been doing
right now? – PÖput the horse down.
– Itís okay. Iím strong. Everythingís all right at home?
Feeling well? Why are you asking? Do I look like an ill person
or something? Everythingís all right at home. My friend picked me up
with his ëVolgaí. A Volga? Where did
he get so much money? Money is no problem for him. Heís an aircraft designer.
We went to a restaurant. What restaurant? Put it down.
Stop clutching it. – I like horses.
– What restaurant? We went to Aragvi. We ordered all kind
ofÖ eatablesÖ Fried chicken, walnut sauce,
shish kebabÖ – Mutton piesÖ
– Mutton pies? – And what did you drink?
– Khvanchkara wine. – But you donít drink.
– Why? A good glass of good wine, in a good companyÖ
Put this horse down. – Youíll overstrain yourself.
– No, I wonít. Itís a little horse. A pony. And what happened
after the restaurant? Youíre outreaching yourself. Put the horse down,
why are you doing this? – I love animals.
– And how did you spend your evening? Modestly.
I took a bus and went home. Then I helped my senior
son with his homework, heís eight, and then
I played with my younger son. – And then my wifeÖ
– Oh really? – called us for supper.
– Your wifeís name is Liza? Itís too heavy,
shall I help you? – Liza with a braid?
– Yes. – Or maybe it wasnít her?
– No, ëtwas her. You have no wife,
Anatoly Efremovich. Why are you lying all the time? Iím following your example. I know that you made up
this aircraft designer of yours. How dare you?
Iím your boss. Why did you drop the horse? What are you doing? I fell down. – You fell down?
– Yep. From the horsie. – Stop pretending.
– Iím dying. – Stop playing a fool.
– Iím serious. Kindly get up and
leave, you and your horse. – A bump. It hurts.
– A bump? You need a cold compress. – An on-the-job injury.
– There is no bump. – It will appear soon.
– In this case you need a cold compress. You donít have
to do it personally. Tell your secretary
to take care of me. Stop treating me as your boss! Lyudmila Prokofievna.
Bublikov has died. Why? I didnít issue no orderÖ
He died? – Yes.
– But why? I donít know yet. Pay in.
We must buy a wreath. – How much?
– 50 kopecks. For a wreath and an orchestra. If someone else dies or
gets born today, Iíll be left without my lunch. – Put your signature.
– One minute, Iím the boss here. Let me pay. Why are you lying here?
Why didnít you put – the horse in the closet?
– We didnít get as far as the closet. How are you?
Do you feel any better? – I? NoÖ
– Whatís this? A bump? No, thereís no bump.
Itís all right. Get up. Shall I help you? – Get up.
– Thank you. Go and return
to yourÖwork. Yes. My apologies on behalf
of myself – and the horsie.
– I hopeÖ you feel better, Anatoly
Efremovich? Iíll tell you frankly: compared to the deceased Bublikov,
Iím just fine. WellÖ you may go. – Hi.
– Hi. Youíre carrying out
our plan as I can see? I and my horsie were
fulfilling an important task. And we fell down. Yura, did you talk about
my appointment with her? There was no occasion. – But Iíll talk to her.
– Donít. Forget about it. I changed my mind. Youíre so strange, you know. Vera ñ tell the boss
I have left to the ministry. – Yes?
– Alyona? Iím going to tell you
smth, itís a bomb. Thereís that Ryzhova
sitting next to you. A bottle bond, yeah,
a bag lady. Turn back. Yes, the one with
vulgar roses on her blouse. Yes, so she brought
a letter for Samokhvalov. She left it on my desk. I know itís bad to read
other peopleís letters, but it was real thrilling.
Listen: Dear Yura. I couldnít make up
my mind for a long timeÖ What is gone is gone, butÖ I know that women in their
forties sometimes do silly thingsÖ Well, she hit the mark here. And I know that you
donít care at all. But when you appeared here,
I realized it was you that I loved
during all these years. Sheís a step away from pension,
but she wants an adventure, eh. And this is what I call
a sexual revolution! Can you imagine this? She must have gone bonkers. Only, please, mum is the word. End of Part One